I can't work like this. With you next to me.

In case it still isn't obvious...

2008-03-18T10:03:00.002+08:00

Hey all,

I didn't realise people are still turning to this blog for something to read though I've stopped blogging here since Dec last year. Just to let you know, since I've had friends asking, I've moved back to livejournal, and am sticking to the account I created in Secondary 3. Which explains the username...

skitsmix.livejournal.com =] if you've linked me before you can just link me again at the new url. Is url the correct term here? Okay never mind.

Well since I'm already here. What's been going on lately? To be honest...nothing much has changed. Still the same ol' complications, same quirky lovable family, same friends, same love life, same school same name. I could go on but you should get it by now.

So anyway, take care everyone. I might move back here soon, cos it seems so much quieter at this blog - makes it easier to just say some things without having to take them back. We'll see.

Said In One Breath.

2007-12-10T23:10:00.000+08:00

I am wearing my pajamas with the reindeer and holly prints on it. The one my mother bought for me. It puts me in a good mood! Sometimes I think she likes to test my sense of humour, by daring me to wear the most ridiculous clothes (I still refuse to try on the underwear she bought me, because there is no chance in hell will I walk around in panties with Richard Marx's 'Right Here Waiting' printed near my crotch. Is the song supposed to be symbolic of my chastity? Sounds more like a contradiction to me).

Anyway, I'm a little bit early for this, but in case I fall asleep and you find a reason to be mad at me for forgetting, happy 20th dear best friend. You're a year older and you get to enjoy...pretty much the same things you've been enjoying when you were 19. But at least you get a fresh new start! I love you so much and hopefully Berus is bringing you someplace nice tomorrow. Hugs and kisses!

Taken at the little surprise party we had for her on Saturday hehe =D

Mandatory End-of-Year Review

2007-12-10T10:10:00.000+08:00

It's finally December. I thought it'd never come. 2007 still feels like the longest, best and also worst year I've ever had. I honestly thought I'd breeze through my 20th year with the slightest drama, when it turns out Drama loves me, and it brought Crazy to the party.

I wonder why I always get melancholic during the holidays. Maybe it's just the nauseating Christmas music and decorations which began as early as November, or the lack of things to do so I end up opening my photo albums, ooh-ing and aah-ing at the level of cuteness I managed to reach at age 5, wondering what the hell happened as I got older. It could be the heavy rain and the grey skies we've had lately - isn't that supposed to be romantic or something? Or it could be the amount of birthday celebrations and weddings I become a part of by default - seeing people happy makes me happy which makes me sad because I know there are still some people who are UNhappy.

Or maybe it's just the time of the month and every single thing becomes more meaningful and precious and lovely because I'm an emotional basketcase who can't seem to get a grip because she's fucking bleeding.

Happy holidays everyone!

This Is Hilarious.

2007-12-06T11:46:00.000+08:00

Okay I just bought a Canon EOS 20D and I have no idea how to use it. Why did I get myself a DSLR? Because I want to and I can, also because my parents told me 3 months too early they're getting a camera for me for my birthday. Of course I asked them to speed up the process. But anyway, I'm very, very happy. I don't even mind just putting the camera on the table to lust over it.

Problem is I'm only using the kit lens which is possibly the worst lens you can use on an SLR, but so far it seems good enough. I may have to wait for a few more months before getting a better one. Let's see if I still remember the things I learned at Photog class, hehe.

Anyway, in case you didn't realise, I'm back from Jogjakarta. Had the best and worst times of my life there, but I won't say much here til I've told my closest friends about it first. There's something about hearing stories first-hand instead of reading it off a blog.

Speaking of blogs, I might be closing this one soon. Just getting abit sick of the online world, even Facebook isn't enough to get me interested again. Maybe it's time to head back to the pen and paper? We'll see.

My exams ended yesterday and I am

2007-11-23T21:36:00.000+08:00

in bed feeling absolutely wretched. You know, people should really believe me when I tell them I've been in bed all day. Blame those blasted anti-malaria pills: the irony is that they make me feel like I actually have malaria. I've been nauseous, puking here and there, I am feverish, I can't eat but I'm hungry but if I eat I'll throw it back out again. A few days ago my mother cheered me on as I had my head over the sink trying to vomit, and she said stick a finger down your throat! And I said no but I did in the end and it didn't work so much.

Oh but yesterday was good. After my last paper I was feeling slightly better so Sal, Rachel and I headed down to Vivo for a mandatory Exams Dahbis! fiesta. The others should've been there cos it's not the same without the entire crew, but anyway I had so much fun. Especially enjoyed watching Rachel dance for a few seconds while that twist song played all over the mall. I was looking for a comic book to buy but didn't find anything I like. I DID, however, come across this spectacular one thanks to Sal.

If only I can remember the title.

Wow I just vomitted a little in my throat. Hehe.

Still wondering if I'll be better by Sunday morning (rain is falling...) because I'm going to Indonesia! I love the idea of Indonesia, only because I've never been there before. Am thinking I will probably look like a moron in my working boots and construction hat. Well, either a moron or Bob the Builder.

Already?

2007-11-19T23:37:00.000+08:00

This is for all the good times, and also the bad.
Happy 21st months to us Rizan.
I love you very, very much.

Stranger Things've Happened, I know.

2007-11-14T22:11:00.001+08:00

One paper today, with two more tomorrow and one last exam next Thursday. That's when Sal is supposed to find me so I can smear all the glory and joy all over her face, because she has one more exam after that, hehe. I feel really relieved after History of Comm, because the questions were way better than I'd expected, judging from past year examinations. I have a strict rule of not discussing anything about the paper right before or after it, in fact most of the time I just throw away my notes once I'm done with my module. This time, though, my friends have told me I should keep them for my children, in case they end up following their mother's footsteps (God forbid).

And that was when I said, Children? What children?

I really like the examination periods in NTU. Because time passes really quickly and before you know it it's all over, and you have slightly more than a month to just piss your life away. Undergraduate life is so enriching I tell you. Anyway, today I was asked to sketch a cybernetics model with at least one human being, so I drew two people talking and made little notes like this is their body language and this is facial expression. I even drew two speech bubbles. Then Jinli showed me the model she did as practice and I saw a really nice diagram mind you, DIAGRAM, of communication between god-knows-what, with nice arrows that made sense and looked scientific.

Then I realised shit, maybe that would've been a smarter thing to do. Draw a box and label it human instead of actually drawing a human being.

I hope Detenber has a sense of humour. Judging from the different hats/wigs he wore just now while walking up and down the examination hall, I reckon he does.

The Turning Point of My Undergraduate Life.

2007-11-12T19:37:00.000+08:00

I haven't blogged in so long and it's not every day that I get some semblance of inspiration so I better do this quick before it all goes away.

For starters, I've actually been doing alright. My exams are in two days and I'm leaving for Indonesia in less than two weeks yet I don't feel very anxious. In fact it all feels very routine-like and normal. I feel more nervous for my exams because the first paper's the hardest and I really, really can't care much about dead old people who have somehow made a difference to my course of choice. Gee it's great someone decided to start a communications school 100 years ago (I'm not accurate) but apart from that why is this so important again? There is a reason I've been avoiding History like the plague since my secondary school days.

Oh and guess what. Not really the best time to be finding out about this but I've discovered I'm actually doing so much better in my Visual Communication and Film Studies classes than my Newswriting one. If I'm seriously considering journalism as a career, maybe I should consider something else for a change.

Like being a housewife.

love helps.

2007-11-05T19:52:00.001+08:00

Rizan is probably the only boy who is willing to colour my nails with markers during this stressful time.

I love you.

from November onwards

2007-11-04T23:11:00.000+08:00

If all goes well,
While my best friend is at Bangkok shopping
And my parents are at Phuket on a beach holiday

I will be at Yogyakarta doing humanitarian work.

These legs must take me places, no matter what.

The Future of UK?

2007-11-03T10:01:00.000+08:00

The title of this video on YouTube is "Bastards Bullying Singapore senior citizen." Old man cycles around Singapore with three foreigners clearly too heavy for the trishaw. He doesn't understand English so they taunt him openly. Then refuse to pay the $10 charge even when the man is seen holding out his hands for the money to the three foreigners. Finally they hailed a cab and ran off.

I'm trying to see this as objectively as possible, but my head is brimming with anger and I know exactly why.

Something interesting happened today.

2007-10-31T17:44:00.000+08:00

I was taking a nap at the benches in school, and suddenly very violently jerked myself back to being awake. And this has happened more than once. Sometimes (according to my sister) I even giggle in my sleep. I giggle. I GIGGLE. There was once when I was sleeping on the train and I could feel myself smiling with my eyes closed. I doubt it had anything to do with a dream. Maybe I'm just seriously crazy.

Just some of the reasons why you hardly ever catch me sleeping in class.

I'll behave, I'll behave but who do you want me to be?

2007-10-29T13:49:00.000+08:00

NTU WKW SCI Jalan Raya! Ade jugak budak Melayu. Will get more pictures from other kids later. Needless to say I had a blast.

One of the pictures I submitted for my photography assignment: Porcelain exhibition @ the Esplanade. So asal boleh. Came home at 10 that night, did my writeup and submitted at 11+, a few minutes before the deadline.

Finally! A picture of Rizan and me. We haven't taken good ones in a long while haha. Not to worry, all's still good and fine.

Adorable exhbition at the gallery downstairs. So colourful!

=] While Rizan was shoe-shopping I made us look like we came from a poster. Now that the exams are in less than 3 weeks, I will stop having fun and start acting like an undergrad.

Bizarre Tragedy.

2007-10-24T12:23:00.000+08:00

Today began in the worst possible manner - halfway on my journey to school I realised after close inspection that my cat had actually pissed on my ebase bag, I shit you not, which perfectly explained why people were occasionally staring at me with a very quizzical expression on their faces on the train. Firstly I felt disgusted with myself because I am carrying a bag partially soaked in cat's pee in public. Then came embarrassment because I have a 0-2% sense of smell and only could detect it after FEELING IT MYSELF, which means it must've been a hundred times worse for the people around me. So I made my way back home with all sorts of multi-language expletives in my head.

Usually I'd make a big joke out of this and trust me my head is just bursting to think about the ways of making fun of myself with this epic story, but today all I could think of was how stupid I must've been, and how stupid people must've thought of me. Also I've been walking around with a limp past couple of days, so basically I am nothing more than a clueless, bodily awkward girl with bad hygiene.

And today I skipped school for the second time, yesterday for the visit to the doctor, to get x-rayed and my medication, today simply because I didn't feel like dealing with the world and would rather sit in my room to go through all of my personal disappointments this week. Why can't I be stronger?

In case you're wondering, no I did not scream at my cat when I came home with the faintly smelly bag. I still love him because he's really old and won't understand if I were to scold him anyway, since the pee-ing incident probably happened a few days ago and he wouldn't have remembered, that senile pussy.

Haha senile pussy.

I hope things will get better because I don't like entertaining my head with all sorts of thoughts. If you were in here you'd understand.

The Great Singapore Sal and me.

2007-10-23T08:52:00.000+08:00

Sal:
Now that u have posted the bacin photos, when are you going to send it to meeee? Satu hari aku tunggue tau Fariza.

Me:
I was online but I didn't see you! then I slept early before 11 hehe. long day lah (might actually not come to school to watch 300 after all)

Sal:
i was online from 9 lorzzz. Why dowan to come for 300?? Don't you miss FTT??? When he was a kids, he watched star war leyz! (inside joke: FTT is actually Foo Tee Tuan, our Visual Comm lecturer. He adds an S when there shouldn't be one, subtracts all the ones who are already there. Also he's very Ah Pek. Nice man though.)

Me:
because I watch 300 oredy! how boutchu? waste time if I goes, FTT may not even notices me. so sad. when I was a kids I neh watch star war one.

Sal:
I never watch yets. Anyways, dah terlanjur in school. What if Fahi0001 (we call each other by our school email usernames. for examply I'm Fari0003) never come also? Then who I eat lunch with today? DDD: What are u doing up so early anyway? Mesti buat Hedwig ni. (Hedwig is my Newswriting professor. As you can see everyone knows she is a big terror.)

Me:
no lor I'm doing Chronicles. I'm pretty sure Fahioool (hey! it really looks like Fahi0001) will be there for you through bad times with no laksa and good ones with laksa. why am I up so early? eh you also what!

Stupid shit. It's not even 9 and we're already like this. Maybe Tuesday will be super after all.

p.s: My knee has finally suffered enough after all that walking yesterday. It is in great pain. I might not tell my mother because I really, really don't want her to send me to the hospital.

[updated: 1.24p.m] Mum saw me limping and panicked. Went for x-ray. Results = not good.]

Who knew plants could be this lovely?

2007-10-22T21:04:00.000+08:00

Salala and I went out today to take pictures for our photog assignment. The topics were really lame and in the end after lots of meddling with our cameras and walking through large crowds at Bugis, we found ourselves at the Botanic Gardens hoping to find some sort of inspiration. I'm putting up some favourites, and my ultimate favourite picture is, not surprisingly, one without flowers.

One of my favourites

Bonsai plant is my favourite baby =D

This reminds me of Hari Raya.

Okay fine I kinda like this too.

Salala and me. Her face naturally like that one.

APA Style ain't got no shit on me.

2007-10-21T22:55:00.000+08:00

I just reluctantly submitted my term paper online. I'm one of those people who finish as soon as she can, and then fuss over it til the very last minute when the deadline starts to loom. Isn't that just sad. I think I did a pretty good job because I had fun analysing Singapore films, but like I said, I was reluctant because there is still that teeny-weeny room for improvement. Anyway, like Jun I think APA Style or that OWL.com website suck balls and I absolute hate HATE them.

My week's been okay. We celebrated my sister's birthday today and Gadget Girl got an iPod Touch, a Nintendo whathaveyou the one with two screens in PINK, no less, and a SONY Godknowshowmanynumbersitisnow Cybershot or something like that. Among other things. She was so happy but then again who wouldn't be. Happy Birthday big sister, you so old already.

Is Hari Raya over yet?

We should start taking more pictures.

2007-10-19T23:36:00.000+08:00

Not sure why I do it every month.
But anyway, we turned 20 yesterday!
=)

Hari Raya spirit.

2007-10-16T11:42:00.000+08:00

There are very few boys in my family.

I look at other Hari Raya pictures of my friends with theirs and I realise mine has too many women. Just too many. There are only two boys from my dad's side (cousins-wise) and the ratio of boys to girls on my mother's side is 1:2. Most of the time. I have this theory that every generation will always have an unequal number of boys and girls so this means I am more likely to have sons which calls for a CELEBRATION!

Not that daughters aren't wonderful. It's just that my friends are sure as Hell I am bound to give birth to fat, pale-skinned, curly-haired, forever-hungry, likes-makeup-and-not-sports sort of girls. And I am not fond of that type.

Well anyway. Hari Raya last weekend went really well. People seriously need to come up with a fresh list of questions to ask every year. This time I had a lot of 'Which year are you in?' 'Where is your boyfriend?' and 'Are you sure you're still in school?' Best of all was my uncle when he called my sister and I tai-tais and demanded that he comes over to our place to try our cooking. I got really disappointed since I badly want others to stop associating all women with cooking and cleaning because there is so much more we can do. So I told him he can come over and eat the food I ORDERED. With my own money.

I know school has started but all I want to do is wear my baju kurung, sit in front of the tv and eat my mother's kueh.

Also, sunscreen is very good for you.

2007-10-12T20:36:00.000+08:00

Selamat Hari Raya everyone, this one's for you. Please enjoy this occasion even though we can't make an extra public holiday out of it. Stay away from the lontong if you know you're a bowl away from hypertension, eat all the good stuff if you're still young. Smoking is still bad, but if you must do it outside your uncle's house, away from the little children. If you love your aunt tell her her food has always been good, but if you dislike her then pretend to choke and die from all the extra coconut and salt.

Don't ever check the green packets in front of the people who give them to you - do it later downstairs or somewhere far away, take notes on the different amounts so you'll remember to give the same to their children in the future. Remember: karma kicks ass to those who deserve it. For the rest of us who still have time to repent, say sorry, and mean it. Don't put too much make up if you're only 13, don't also put too much make up if you're 53. If that kebaya doesn't fit today, chances are it won't fit tomorrow. If you have a new car that's really great news, but if someone needs a lift then please don't hesitate.

Also. Whichever school your children go to, be thankful and proud of them. Sing all the traditional Hari Raya songs you want, because in ten years techno might be in and that would really suck. If you're having your period wear dark clothes, or wear two sanitary pads, or don't go out at all. Trust me, you wouldn't want your cute cousin to remember you That Way. Never finish a whole bottle of cookies yourself. Share with cousins and finish them together. It is better to throw the paper wrappers all over the floor, just to test someone's hospitality. Try not to spill too many drinks. If you know you're hopelessly clumsy stay away from carpets, clothes, and your frail grandmother who has a tendency to slip and fall.

Hari Raya comes only once (sometimes twice) a year. So forgive, forget, and mean every bit you say.

Hugs and Kisses,
Fariza.

She says days go by I don't know why.

2007-10-09T22:30:00.000+08:00

My old knee injury is back, and I have no idea how that came about. For one thing I have neither skipped nor ran for months, and I try to take public transport as often as possible instead of having to walk. So now not only do I walk like a 78 year old woman, I also smell like one, because my mother swears by Tiger Balm and thinks it'll work on me.

We shall see.

World Peace Cookies and Green Cars

2007-10-09T21:39:00.000+08:00

Had a good day! Was late for Visual Comm lecture but I didn't miss much. Forgot to bring Rizan another batch of cookies I baked yesterday (I shit you not, they're really called World Peace Cookies). And that's right, I bake. Not even the Betty Crocker 3-in-1 or whatever sort of baking, I do it from SCRATCH. How homely! Though I'm not exactly one of the warmest people around - my friends can vouch for that.

(Whether the cookies turned out right is still debatable. I think they're an acquired taste. As in, you need to acquire some sort of taste deficiency to call them good.)

Then in newswriting class my professor approved my trend story so now all I have to do is gather contacts. Was initially worried about that because I barely know people who can drive, let alone own cars - hybrid cars at that. Anyway the minute I came home I discussed with my parents about it, and then I found out my engineer uncle owns one! And that he knows other people who bought them too. See? Being environmentally friendly benefits everybody.

While making something good.

2007-10-05T14:00:00.000+08:00

I'm still here in the newsroom. Only came home after 12 last night after a really crazy, long day. But it's okay. I have some time to spare while waiting for someone to fix the printer, because no printer means no drafts means no subediting means no editing means no work. My desk is really messy so I moved to the sofa area, where Double Chin (I love that name) is eating, after nicely asking me if I minded. I said no, because I don't mind a lot of things.

School has been mad, to say the least. For some time this week I wondered if I am even cut out for journalism. Writing is one of the few things which do not frighten me or make me nervous, and when I'm forming strings of sentences in my head I feel very rational and in control. Sometimes it's nice to have something to fall back on, because after a crappy day, even if my newswriting professor insists on making fun of me, I'm still alright.

Hari Raya is a week from now, yet I don't feel any different. I really want to be enthused and engage in some form of preparation but all I seem to care about is getting through my huge pile of schoolwork unscathed. My mum is always messaging me about how well her cookies turn out, and I feel bad not being able to help. Hopefully a week is all I need to start feeling like a kid again.

Happy weekends all.

I've been sinking through the drain of love.

2007-09-30T10:45:00.000+08:00

I like walking in the sun with you, arms out stretched, eyes shut tight.

I love the 88.

2007-09-28T00:16:00.001+08:00

I just discovered a new band. Was re-watching some episodes of How I Met Your Mother, and then in one of them some band did a cover of Good Feeling by Violent Femmes, which is one my favourites. So anyway found out the group's called the 88, and I've been listening to their songs the entire day today. I love them and how could I have not found out about this before! I know I say this too often, that everything seems to be a favourite song/food/place/band/word/etc, but I really, really think I've found something I will enjoy for the rest of my life.

At least, til another one comes along.

Why Singaporeans should be banned from voting for ANYTHING.

2007-09-26T22:36:00.000+08:00

Victor Tang, the lousiest singer I have ever heard on television, made it to the next round of Live The Dream.

Before I go political or say anything that might land me in jail, let's just say I hate Singaporeans who don't choose wisely. Sure Victor may be a kind man who feeds stray cats, wants to adopt sick abandoned children in the future and probably will tell you he'll use the prize money to donate to some bloody charity, but all I ask as a viewer is for him to sing and he can't even do that right.

Singapore, make him stop this very minute. My ageing house lizard can do better than that.

modern girls always get their way, modern men dream of what they can't say.

2007-09-22T12:15:00.000+08:00

I think school has taken away the fun part of me, because when I was on the bus in the morning I passed by a limp orange-coloured windsock and all I could think of was a good Viagra ad: Bet You Want It Stronger.

I'm telling you, my head is full of ideas interspersed with various loads of shit.

In other news, yesterday Rizan and I broke our fast together somewhere behind Kovan Mrt Station, eating a small pack of sushi, Curry-O and bubble tea while sitting at a chess table I bet several old men have wiped their mucus on. I had a bit of his mini-mooncake (which didn't really send me to the moon). We were giving each other goofy grins in between mouthfuls of food because I was late for tuition, and let's face it we were having fun. He actually wanted to study today but I have given him the Glare so my Saturday should be regular and good.

I expect to lose some holiday weight during the fasting month. I'm comfortable but there's always this really tiny but alarming possibility I might not be able to fit into my (mother-approved, tailor-made) baju kebaya. Then again maybe I should keep my chunky inner thighs, because even when you're sitting down in the train wearing a short skirt and your knees don't meet, no one can see your underwear.

Ohh you know what I mean.

that lucky old sun just rolls around heaven the whole day.

2007-09-19T13:53:00.000+08:00

I really spoke too soon. This is actually Hell Week, not last week. I had to submit an article in the morning, I have a test later on, and another test and a presentation on Friday. Life is good! Stress keeps you on your toes, never mind the fact that white hair is starting to make up your fringe (which has made me look quite like Rogue, and I'm seriously not complaining).

Best part about my Tuesday- Hedwig returned an article I wrote and said she would hire me if I were her reporter. Yatta!

Oh and who can forget us, happy happy us. =]

will give $10 to the person who can tell me what geylang sipaku geylang means.

2007-09-16T00:18:00.001+08:00

Headed down to Geylang Serai a few hours ago with my family after we broke fast. My brother dropped by to eat with us since Tricia's away in Bangkok (or is it Hong Kong? Weird how I always get the two mixed up).

Geylang Serai always fascinates me. You'd think being a minority race there wouldn't be a lot of us walking around, but my God. I have no idea how many Vicious Cycles I walked past (large families with young kids having young kids), underaged teenagers who should be sent to jail for smoking AND smoking in public spaces, and the usual, unpredictable flocks of Mats who leer at every walking thing they see that has breasts and legs. I was really, really fascinated. Didn't particularly fancy the smoke and stuffy air, but Geylang Serai is still an incredibly colourful place to me.

I suppose I've questioned myself what is it that I'm proud of as a Malay Singaporean. I remember telling a friend I want to leave here, but I stay only because there isn't anywhere else to go. Then I wonder why is it that I want to leave sometimes, because let's face it - I have family here, good friends, excellent food places, and a nice life. I guess the problem is I always want something more, something bigger, and when I look around I'm disappointed because this tiny island can't contain my massive thoughts.

What am I saying? Even I can't.

over and out out out.

2007-09-13T23:36:00.000+08:00

I feel very, very relieved. Hell Week is almost over (unless I underestimated and Hell Week is actually next week) and today has ended well. I'm very pleased with my montage and presentation, I got another complimentary CD package from Sony today and my pages for Chronicle are almost up. Today when I came home I sat in front of the tv with my mother, eating cereal while watching America's Next Top Model, and felt comfortable enough with my own body to blurt out that the models look fat, while milk is dripping down my chin. FATFATFAT they're fat I'm proportionate and normal and all is right with the world tonight.

birthday helpers.

2007-09-11T21:47:00.000+08:00

Backtrack to four days ago: Friday. Some of the NUS girls, plus Weet and myself had a surprise birthday celebration for Nuha at East Coast Park. I swear I haven't seen most of them in a year, so imagine how anxious I felt when I first arrived. Sometimes I really wish I'd gone to NUS instead, and this is one of the reasons why.

Look at how happy we look! And slightly mad. And comfortable. Charmaine who came later on said "Fariza I haven't seen you in so long you've been busy is it!" and I replied no, I've just been in a different school.

Yes it still sucks to be so far away from my friends.

Anyway last Friday was really a fantastic way to end a rather stressful week. The best part about it was that I got to see my old buttalkers haha the corny name still makes me grin.

xoxo.

so don't worry 'bout your suitcase, dear.

2007-09-10T22:35:00.000+08:00

Weekend in a nutshell - what did I do? I remember having an early dinner with my family, watching The Home Song Stories, found myself at my brother's place with the Others messing around with our brand-new PS3. Yes, that's right, we fucking bought a PS3 and are fucking proud of our baby. Then I fell asleep after deciding Wolverine is not my alter-ego, dreamt about playing various arcade games, woke up and sat in front of the sofa, still at my brother's place, all the way til 6p.m. on Sunday. Basically we had a major sleepover and found 'PS3' a good enough reason not to bathe and change our clothes.

I must've wasted a lot of time.

Okay we didn't really laze around the entire time - this is a picture of the boys cooking us vegetarian pasta and tom yam chicken. My sister and Tricia were in the living room reading magazines, I allowed myself to feel guilty enough to help out in the kitchen now and then. Total cost of lunch: $18 for 6.

This is Week 6 of school but I still think my life is a bloody holiday.

coming home now.

2007-09-07T23:07:00.000+08:00

the best day this week.

I love my friends, old and new.

Happy birthday Nuha, we all love you very much. =)

strain.

2007-09-05T21:32:00.000+08:00

I think my fever's subsided but I'm not sure. School today was...messy. I think I made it messy. Moments after my morning lecture I checked my email only to find an important notice which I very almost missed, so for a good half hour I was frantically messaging people hoping to get a response. I hate it when I get frantic. I don't get a nice, warm and fuzzy feeling when I'm frantic.

Maybe it's just the illness. I've been really absent-minded and distant lately, and eating really bad food. It could be an accumulation of all that guilt and frustration from losing control. But I suppose I've more pressing issues to handle. The difference between my mother and I, is that while she worries about my diet and my stomach, I'm more concerned with my blood. And my heart.

But hey, look on the bright side - tomorrow's my favourite day.

comeseecomeseecomeseecomesee

2007-09-03T21:55:00.001+08:00

with everything new at streetregalia.blogspot.com =)

rounding up.

2007-09-01T13:50:00.000+08:00

I've been so busy lately. This week I found myself moving around a whole lot more, talking more often, running here and there and meeting new people. I love it. When I was at Borders I treated myself to Chuck Palahniuk's Haunted, which thrilled me on the train ride back to school. Of course, there was the issue of lugging back 4 other books for reviews but I won't complain. Then there's the new job - good people, interesting subjects, doing something I thoroughly enjoy. Chronicle work's better and better with new writers. Was struck with a fantastic bolt of inspiration a few nights back, and I came home scribbling everything down, talking about it to my sister because my flighty memory might fail me. To be honest I carry a notebook with me wherever I go, in case a funny idea or thought comes to mind. You never know when they might come in handy.

Anyway, today on the bus on my way home I sat next to this lady and her child. The girl was about 3, and she kept on staring at me and reaching out to grab my (gasp) clean white bag. I honestly thought she was going to puke at it anytime soon. This is EXACTLY WHY I don't like sitting with other people's children on public transport. It gets really awkward, especially if you couldn't care less but you know the mother is observing you so you look down at the child, smile and say hello. Maybe do something political like play with her tiny finger. I suck at handling children but they seem to be fascinated with the Big (Un)friendly Giant that is me.

So there I was looking as tensed up as ever, with my default blase expression and this tiny kid stares at me acting like a big fat lump. She drops her toy car (yay to banishing all stereotypes! This was the only thing that cheered me up) so I bend down to pick it up, and suddenly her mother is eternally grateful. It never pays to be nice sometimes because you have to continue being nice and well isn't that just a pain in the ass when all you want to do is shut up and read your stupid book.

somewhere out there an alligator is walking around with a handbag made of my skin.

2007-08-27T21:36:00.000+08:00

I went to that flea market on Saturday and left very disappointed. Not really sure what to expect since I've never been to one before, but the one I went to wasn't much fun. I think I'm not the sort of shopper who can find treats under piles and piles of clothes in the hot sun. I hate having to go through every single article of clothing, spend a good 15 minutes before realising there's nothing there and my armpits are starting to get wet.

Anyway, in a really feeble attempt at bargaining, I was seen at one of the stalls speaking to the owner in a very lame Indonesian accent. Needless to say I suck at bargaining, and no fake accent was going to get me anywhere near my desired price. In the end the top was still going for $25, and eventhough I am a flea market virgin I actually know $25 is daylight robbery. So I said my thanks and reluctantly left.

On Sunday I had lunch with my family at Tambuah Mas. As usual Rizan was being friendly and passed around pictures of his cat, to which Tricia exclaimed Hitler! and I was kicking my own foot trying hard not to laugh.

this is Comot, but a few months ago his name was Misai, back when we thought he was a she. I guess Rizan was indecisive. He gives confusing names for the wrong genders.

Tomorrow it's back to school again. I love having a 4-day week, I feel sorry for the people who have to go to work every Monday to Saturday.

will work for good food.

2007-08-25T10:58:00.000+08:00

This week passed by extremely quickly. One day I'm getting embarrassing comments from Hedwig about my articles, the next day the editors are mingling around with the rest of the school during the Chronicle tea session, then Simpang with the usuals, after which Thursday flew past, and before I know it I'm at Vivocity with the Sombreros watching 881, which turned out to be one of the best local films I've ever watched. Right now I'm still dazed by it, and wishing Hokkien/ Cantonese was an elective in school.

Production was probably the most stressful this time. I think it's alot to do with my very bad timetable and the fact that I can't start laying out the pages by Wednesday night. Because of all the work I had to do this week, I've been eating really bad food. By bad food I mean fast food, which on some days are actually good food when you have a canteen like Canteen A. Basically it's either a meal from McDonalds or laksa from the Quad almost every lunchtime, no dinner or a late one with Rizan at Jurong Point.

People, I am desperate and in need of cockles, chicken wings and satay. And good souffle, not the kind we had at the Naked Fish Shoppe which tasted like cheap half-cooked custard. I want cheese on everything I eat, with lots of chilli and jalapeno peppers. And as much local food as I can get, because this is actually one of the few things I love about Singapore. I want and need good food, and I'm afraid to turn into a thin girl who doesn't eat because it's just so cliche. I don't want to be cliche.

Well okay. Excessive calls for help aside, I'm really glad the weekends are finally here. Today I'm going to a flea market and then watch Dead Silence later in the evening. Hehe I think my mum bought lontong for lunch, so my quest for any food besides fast ones starts now.

aww shucks.

2007-08-19T14:54:00.000+08:00

I love recent pictures but we don't have any.
Happy 1.5 year anniversary, baby. =D

Girl, 20, has fulfilling weekend.

2007-08-19T14:13:00.000+08:00

My dad got us tickets to the fireworks display on Friday night, so all 7 of us (excluding my brother because he was there for duty, the irony) headed down to Marina Bay at around 8.45p.m where they played Spanish songs because this is Singapore and we are made of mostly Chinese, Malay, and Indians who barely know 10 words of the Spanish language. Sure, this makes sense, because during Spain's Independence Day celebrations I bet they play Chinese, Malay and Indian songs because it's so appropriate.

So anyway while waiting for the fireworks to start not only were we entertained by weird Spanish songs, we were also made to feel even more welcomed because the MCs were speaking in both English and Mandarin. Why do they still do that for major events? Half the time I was muttering to myself how ridiculous it was to have commentaries in two languages, no matter what the languages were, in any national celebration. But I tolerated, because we are a tolerating nation.

I suppose all my bad musings disappeared when the fireworks began. They were moving, Tricia said. I was beaming the whole time, my eyes lighting up and my hands occasionally slapping Rizan's in delight. I didn't take any pictures because I wanted it to be a personal, one-time-only experience. It lasted for only 15 minutes, but it was worth all the shoving and climbing and forming a family chain in case we lost anyone, just to get to our seats. Singapore is beautiful if you know where to go.

Yesterday morning I headed down to TPJC to play softball with some of the oldies. We had enough to form two teams and play a game, with me being the only girl from my batch. Softball was one of the good things that happened to me in junior college. I have some horrible memories of school but softball I definitely loved. It rained just abit so it took slightly longer to complete the match, but I knew, when it ended and you see all the grinning faces, the muddy jerseys and stinking boots, that no one regretted anything.

This weekend I learned quite a few things. You can feel out of place in a country you grew up in, but all you need is one familiar face to fit in again. Maybe in the end it doesn't matter where you are, but what you do there, who you're with and how you make the best out of it. Singapore is like TPJC, just like how the softball team is like family. Today I'm at peace, because I have no regrets at all.

Saat moments (geddit, geddit?)

2007-08-16T21:08:00.000+08:00

Not sure if many people know this, but Alfian Saat is actually a student in my school, yes in my school that is WKW SCI, NTU. Anyway I came across his blog (by this time it's too late to say Alfian who? Because shame on you) and he said a few really funny things about SCI. Saw him a few times, he's even in a few of my classes, but what do you say to brilliant people? How to spell Really Long Words?

If all goes well, I'll be in NTU SCI (School of Communication and Information) this August, for an Undergrad and eventually Masters course.

I am so looking forward to being in school again! Here are my resolutions:

1) Buy pencilbox.

2) If taking Drama Minor at NIE, deliberately fail when asked to write essay on Robert Yeo.

3) Tell whoever is conducting CDP202 at NIE that in their survey of 'leading companies' in Singapore theatre, 'Theatre Ox' is a bit out--considering that founder Ang Gey Pin has fled and is now based at the Grotowski Workcentre in Italy and a few remaining members have sort of regrouped under 'In-Source Theatre'. Also, ask whoever is conducting CDP101, 'Who IS Michael Chekov?'

4) Take electives at ADM under Lucy Davis and come to class wearing SIA kebaya.

5) Tell people who don't know better that the WKW in WKWSCI (That's the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information) stands for Wong Kar Wai.

6) For Singapore Studies module, ask tutor whether can pass up 'Homesick' as homework. (Yi-Sheng says it's better read than watched, so pass up script instead of DVD) (I know it's 'hand in' and not 'pass up' but 'pass up' is such an irresistible Singaporeanism!)

7) Scatter lallang seeds on grassy roof of ADM building. Mimosa seeds also--to prevent couples frolicking on roof on Valentine's.

8) Talk to Chinaman/Chinawoman in Malay, smile but say really nasty things like, (to man) 'Do all of you go to the same barber', (to woman) 'Do all of you buy windbreakers from the same shop?'

9) Turn at least one corridor in Hall of Residence into mini nudist colony.

10) March in front of ADM building with fellow SCI students yelling, 'We Rock, You Suck!'

11) Find secret mass grave of communists somewhere on the NTU campus.

12) Reply to person on IRC who types 'anyone in NTU?' When exchanging pics, send photo of Chinaman.

13) Feign ignorance if ever Journalism Faculty Head Cherian George asks, 'Is it true you once sent my wife Zuraidah Ibrahim a one-line email that said, 'You are the new Chua Mui Hoong'?'

14) For Final Year Project, convince a group of people (consisting of folks that you don't like) to produce an ad campaign supporting female circumcision.

15) In wriggling way out of writing Hall Musical, offer instead to give it 'a favourable review' on blog; eg. Two Thumbs Up for "Chinaman of Letters!"

16) Watch NTU dragonboat team train to detox from alarming 9:1 ratio of females to males in SCI.

17) For internship, ask if can do at ISD. When asked why, look incredulous and say, 'But every Straits Times journalist worth his or her salt went there!'

18) For the 'Basic Media Writing in Chinese' module, when asked to write assignments, copy out articles from Lianhe Wanbao and pass up as my own work (My response to essay question 'What Role Does the Internet Play in Challenging The Dominance of Mainstream Media?' will be 'Security Guard Rapes 70-Year-Old Grandmother')

19) Invite Andy Ho to give talk. Introduce him to audience as Andy Ho Mo Phobe. Or Andy Ho Mo Fo.

20) Get Brian, Junfeng, Zihan, Royston, Ash to do my homework. Remember to say pretty please.

Oh my. He is funny. And his writing is brilliant. Shit I hope he doesn't Google his name and read this. I'd be afraid.

becauseIdon'tsayorshowitoftenandsinceit'sabrandnewday.

2007-08-14T10:43:00.001+08:00

hehe. I love my Rizan. =]

certainty.

2007-08-09T10:30:00.000+08:00

probably the best sleep I've ever had in a long time. FINALLY my dad has decided to install another air-conditioning unit after ours died on us in 1943. now I walk everywhere with a comforter draped over me, but I'm not complaining. last night I camped out at my sister's bedroom on her sofa where we watched Grey's Anatomy Season 3. I feel like I haven't seen her in awhile, my old roommate. I suppose I'm more attached to her than I thought. in fact, when she first moved out we were wailing to each other that things wouldn't be the same, so much til my mother suggested we got ourselves walkie-talkies for those lonely nights in our own room.

it's been a terrific first week of school. Sally may be right, we could just be the only course where its students are excited about school. because my friends and I seem thrilled to be back, but I can't say the same about the ones from other faculties. I'm taking Visual Communication, History of Communication, Cinema Studies, News Writing and Reporting, Basic Modern Photography and Journalism Practicum this semester. by far THE MOST EXCITING BUNCH OF MODULES I've taken, save for History of Comm since it's suppose to be fuck boring, but it's Detenber! who is lovely to us and we'll feel bad for skipping or sleeping in his class.

I thought it'd be hard not staying in hall and having to travel back and forth. just so you know, about 3 hours of my life is put aside everyday just for travelling, so if you're at Tampines and I'm at Boon Lay and you want me to 'drop by' for coffee after school, I'm sorry but you'll have to spend the first hour and a half by yourself. actually I don't think the travelling is that bad, cos I like train rides. but then again I am just being optimistic because it's only the first week, so once I start cursing the transport people or opt to take a cab to school and refuse to change my mind, do not take me seriously. please understand.

having said that, Happy National Day! I have a little flag on my desk here resting against Mr Potato Head, which is probably the only patriotic thing you will ever see me do. today we're all hanging out at Amri's place to watch the fireworks (because he lives on the 25th floor or God knows what and you can see the Esplanade from the living room which is why I think my sister should so get married to him. I mean, talk about perks). I actually volunteered to help him cook so we have to come abit earlier because of that. I hope they have durians! because it's significant. you know, durians = esplanade = where they're having the parade = it's like we're there with everyone else.

before I send myself off to school I just wanna say...

2007-08-06T23:40:00.001+08:00

1) SHIT I have no stationery. for a whole year last year I relied on my laptop and printer- I didn't have a proper pen. case in point: during one of my exams I had to borrow one from a neighbour.

solution: visit Popular bookstore tomorrow. things to buy? a few good pens, maybe correction tape, a ruler, a pencil and fulscap paper. and colourful paperclips? hehehe.

2) it's been a good 3 months doing nothing. many thanks to friends and family members who made it possible.

3) I know this sounds really frivolous, but I don't know what to wear. when I stayed in hall I just had to make do with what I brought, but here at home! here at home I have everything and I'm afraid I'll be late tomorrow thinking of weird combinations.

4) I somehow can't wait to be in the same school with Rizan. we had so much fun as freshmen- lunch at the Quad or NIE, smuggling cheap pistachios into the library, hanging out with the Engin boys and the Comm Studies girls, him emailing me using his NTU account (kental habes), numerous walks back to my hall. here's to our second year!

aaannndddd...

5) we have 16 weeks to the holidays.

but it's always good to be back =D

all I ever did.

2007-08-06T22:12:00.000+08:00

NTU WKW SCI FOC A.K.A IHAR

my brother and Tricia's wedding at the Asian Civilisation Museum

Jinli's belated birthday celebration at Seoul Garden

redecorating my room!

National Day preview with Aloha Loyang

lunch with Tuty and Nuha

Ella's drama production (us with teary eyes)

lunch with Khairi and Aloha Loyang

...and dinner with Rizan, Amri and my sister after that =] plus loads of shopping, meeting up with Faizal (he is a man now!), catching up with friends, getting ready the new Chronicle layout (which is gorgeous by the way), painting rooms, getting to know new people, learning new things.

and so my 3-month holidays ended just like that. tomorrow school starts for me and I'm just looking forward to the rest of the semester. hoho!

hello NTU. I've missed you.

maiden post

2007-08-04T11:28:00.000+08:00

do visit

http://streetregalia.blogspot.com

for fun!

starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose.

2007-08-01T23:14:00.000+08:00

I had a pretty good day. almost ended up dragging my feet to the newsroom, but at the last minute I decided to wear something pretty instead of my Fuck Off gear, so I cheered up abit. I like working with the Chronicle. I'm extremely optimistic about the new batch because that would mean an entire string of new writers to work with, which is always a refreshing change. wow I'm unbelievable chirpy at 11.21 at night. let's see if I can stay this happy tomorrow, because I have a 2p.m deadline which I stupidly set for myself.

later on after work I met my best girls and we had a usual lazy time at Simpang. I suppose by now you'd realise one of my favourite things to do in the world is sit and talk over good food with good company. which is why most of the time you can find me either eating, talking or doing both simultaneously. so anyway Simpang, as always, didn't disappoint. after that we headed to McDonalds for dessert, where I was reduced to tears after listening to Aloha's hilarious conversation with a certain woman on the phone. my friends should be banned from telling stories if they have the potential to make me laugh til I die.

anyway, one of the best things about today was checking my email in the newsroom, and opening Rizan's incredibly corny e-card. he sent me one last week but I was only able to open it today because of my screwed up Hotmail account. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend knows he doesn't have to be the coolest person on Earth to win me over. I sort of giggled to myself when I read the card, and Shasha if you're reading this thank you so much I love you too =D

with school starting next week, things seem to be falling into place nicely. I can't wait to enter my second year, see the same old faces in my tiny school and maybe make new friends along the way in my elective class (I got my photography module!) I know I probably say it too often, but I really am looking forward to the new academic year. may all things be worth fighting and waiting for.

this is not a conniption either.

2007-07-30T23:19:00.000+08:00

not that I'm trying to be dramatic or anything, but I really think I'm having a bad day. I'm not the sort to list down everything that's gone wrong, but let's just say everything really has, so far.

I'm starting to think I may be missing out on a few things in school. not sure exactly what, but people there seem to know what they're doing much better than I can. of course I have the clearest picture as to what I'm good at and what I like, but unfortunately and somehow almost typically for me, it stops there. I don't know where to go from here, which 'skill' to hone, whether I should be worrying about the sort of money I'll bring in after I've graduated, and if just following dreams is the way to go, am I really that sort of carefree person who'll be happy just living in passion? I really admire people who just know from the start, exactly what they want and how they're going to get it. sometimes I hate being an in-between, because it's just a nicer way of saying I'm erratic and indecisive. fickle. therefore, immature.

I'm happy, I am. maybe I'm slightly unsure and hesitant, but most of the time I have a good feeling in my heart. I guess...most of the time I'm just tired of being good enough, of being simple and plain and like everybody else. it's not attention that I'm looking for, or even credit. I just want to like the skin I'm in- I want to be comfortable. but at times when I should be, I'm actually not.

oh and by the way, to rub salt onto my wounds, I somehow for the love of all things electrical cannot seem to open my emails on Hotmail. I seriously have no idea because I have tried to the best of my abilities (which I know doesn't get me far but see I tried and my mother says if you try that's all that matters) and I am now basically really frustrated because I can't reply to Chronicle emails, or any music distributors, or to Cathay, or Picturehouse neither can I even know WHAT the blue fuck their emails contain so I am just going to put a notice up here, that sorry you cannot contact Fariza through her Hotmail account, and if anything do (for now) email her at fari0003@ntu.edu.sg.

but if you spam me I will kill you. and no, it is not funny at all.

just take your time, wherever you go.

2007-07-26T12:50:00.000+08:00

my brother got married on Saturday. was a beautiful wedding, and I think I want to be a wedding planner. I saw my sister at work that day, becaue planning events is exactly what she does for a living. tak sia-sia mak hantar pergi university.

so this is it. they're away on their honeymoon for a week, we had a last meal together on Sunday night. all 10 of us. I still can't believe they're married- it just feels like a very long engagement.

feels like a lot of things've changed. my favourite and only brother is married, my sister is no longer my roommate, and I, after 20 years, finally have a room to call my own. I'd like to call it a friendly room, because I want people to come visit me, and feel comfortable in a place I decorated myself. I am proud.

yet somehow maybe nothing really has changed. I met Ah Hui on Monday for dinner, and we were as predictable as we were in junior college. honestly, I can't be more thankful that she's a constant in my life. later on this afternoon I'm meeting my buttalkers- been a while since I last saw them. somehow I'm nervous for our meeting, because to me I'm still the same but maybe they see someone else.

two songs to describe the past week- Jason Mraz's I'm Yours and Bubbly by Colbie Caillat. I am feeling very good.

the moment I wake up.

2007-07-20T11:50:00.000+08:00

Countdown to Wedding Day: 1

haven't been able to get peace eversince I opened my eyes this morning. I woke up in panic because my mother burst into the room and shouted EH 10 ALREADY 10 ALREADY. seriously, her kids are all in our 20s and she needs to realise that her techniques are getting old. why? because when she woke us up it was actually 9.30. that's right- my own mother cheats. and she's not good at hiding it.

so now 2 of her 3 (4, maybe 5?) sisters are here at home helping out. what I don't understand is why there is so much cooking, because we are hiring almost everything that can be hired. cooks, wedding planners, kendarats, ushers, decoraters. plus it is already so noisy at home when there are only 3 other women in the house. before my sister left for work (lucky witch), she looked at me with pure innocence and asked "why do they have to speak in a sing-song voice?" to which I replied "I don't knooowww" and then I stopped myself from saying anything else because I realise I, too, was starting to sound like them.

maybe there is too much nurturing in this house. I wish I were naturally normal. just normal.

okay but who am I kidding? I love my aunts. you'd think coming from a rather patriarchal family the women wouldn't be as oustanding, but they are. in fact I think the women in my family hold all of us together more than the men. maybe it's because I don't understand some of my mother's brothers.

wow I swear it just got louder in this house. I always wonder if I'll turn out like Mum, and there is this teeny tiny possibility that I will. I am already shrill and high-strung like her on some days. thank God my father is calm, goofy and patient, because today Mum will turn on her Mother Goose Radar (not as friendly as it sounds) and shoot chores for me to do, and I badly need someone to be my manly shield.

my life is back.

2007-07-18T15:35:00.001+08:00

okay I suppose before I'm allowed to talk about any future plans I have to explain where exactly I've been the past two weeks. last week was our very successful Freshman Orientation Camp for the Yr 1s in my school- I realised exactly how right my brother was when he said I was always made for hard labour, since I'm much larger than my sister. I thought the camp went rather well, so let me try summing it up in a few words.

some things I will always remember:

1) Mr Foo, the best bus driver I've ever had: he and I have excellent chemistry, I even sound like him when we're on the phone, "Helo ah Mr Foo this is NTU. Yayayaya. Mr Foo ah remember hor later pick us up from the Esplanade there. You know where or not? Yayayaya."

2) Fright Night and the successful puppet that I was: needless to say I made some kids cry eventhough we were asked to tone down alot. what else was I suppose to do? I am rarely scary in real life (so I like to think) and the one time I get to terrify the shit out of anybody I am asked to act like Casper instead. this is absurd.

3) Delivery vans: let's just say I spent about 1/10 of my time at camp in a delivery van. you would think that the Logistics team is made up of big manly men with facial hair, but what you get is actually 5 lovely girls who struggle to carry 5 chairs on their own. needless to say we did well despite our shortcomings, so hooray! hidup logs.

4) That seaweed game: naturally in a school like SCI, if part of the school newspaper is written in Chinese and some of the cheers are in Chinese, the GAMES we play will probably be in Chinese too. I have no idea what I was muttering when I played the seaweed one, but shit I had fun. I especially love the way Johnson and the guys played.

5) Hall 9: hahahahahaha. with neighbours like Koon, Erwin, Kester and Faiz, how to fall asleep you tell me??? (actually most of the time we weren't in our rooms, and when we were someone is dozing off. usually it's me. okay this was a bad point. next.)

6) Starry Starry Night: was probably one of the more memorable nights I had. my favourite was RJ's performance. not that I'm biased or anything since I barely know him, but I've heard him sing before last year and been a fan eversince. do I sound creepy? haha. haha. anyway the OGLs little skit towards the end was fucking funny. Nad should seriously recruit all of them for Paparazzi.

now that camp's over, a whole lot of other things can begin. I've been mostly busy with the Chronicle's first issue for the new academic year, and my brother's wedding WHICH IS THIS SATURDAY. I think he's going to miss us because I caught him sighing and wandering in my room alot of times this afternoon, knocking his big elbow against my equally big head. will come up with a tribute to him sometime soon, but for now I need to get back to the school paper and do the one thing I like to do.

I still love you the boy from Mars.

2007-07-18T00:06:00.001+08:00

today Rizan and I turn 17 months old!

I Don't Feel Alright Tonight

2007-07-16T02:45:00.000+08:00

We drink so we can dream while we are still awake,
We dream endless dreams to forget mistakes we make.
But now that I am sober my eyes are shut tight-
I don’t feel alright tonight.

The head is clear and awake, but the heart is empty,
My skin is cold so I shiver. My lips, they fail me.
I need some sleep (or drink) to dream but try as I might
I don’t feel alright tonight.

My room feels cluttered from the habit of forsaking,
I forget to wash the plates, fold the cloths, do the ironing.
I lie in bed where it’s dark- I remember to turn off the night-light
I still don’t feel alright tonight.

The stillness envelopes me, there are no comforting sounds,
I search for warmth underneath the covers when no one else is around.
Maybe tomorrow I will feel good, when the black walls turn to white,
But I won’t feel alright tonight.

(July 16, 2007)

skin's cold but there's sunshine in this heart.

2007-07-15T00:20:00.000+08:00

Harry Potter was disappointing. today Rizan lost his wallet. we took a cab home and when I asked if he had money he said he was willing to jual pantat to any willing man. this is how much he wants to play DOTA with my siblings. apparently by selling his ass he thinks he will make enough.

oh and I'm back from NTU WKW SCI'S FOC A.K.A IHAR (Nanyang Technological University Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information's Freshman Orientation Camp also known as I Heard A Rumour). was a fucking blast, even made some freshies cry.

tell you about it soon.

my karma.

2007-07-07T12:34:00.000+08:00

how exactly do you begin a story? I suppose mine started last night after dinner with the committee, where we had really good food at Sakura before making our way to the train station to head home. it was City Hall, and the time was approximately 9.45pm. the train finally came and three of my friends- Nab, Jinli and Torek- squeezed their way in first, leaving the three of us- Nad, Sal and I- stranded right outside. with Nad leading the way and Sal sort of scampering right behind her and me saying 'Oh shit biggest fear biggest fear,' we somehow managed to run four doors down and find a carriage empty enough for us to rudely and noisily barge into. by this point of time in the story, all of us had made it on the same train.

I don't know what was going on at Camp NabJinliTorek, but on my side of the train we were laughing uncontrollably before realising our friends hadn't called or checked to see if we made in on board. someone (we suspect it was me) then suggested we tell them we were still stuck at City Hall, hoping to at least make them feel slightly guilty. so I SMS-ed Nab. a few minutes later we received a phonecall from them, saying they will wait for us at Lavender while we board the next train from City Hall. at this point in the story, Nab, Jinli and Torek were already at Lavender, while we were making our way to Kallang. so we got off at Kallang and waited for them instead. it was 10p.m.

at around 10.03 p.m their train arrived and I saw Jinli's face plastered on the glass window. shit, she is so funny. so finally all 6 were reunited and we made our way home. or so we thought.

I have no idea what happened between Kallang and Eunos, but somehow from somewhere a beetle/bug (?) made its way into our train and flew all around. Nad being Nad screamed and sort of flicked her hair every few minutes eventhough we had no idea where the beetle/bug landed. I occasionally ducked my head, I think the others did too. anyway Jinli dropped off at Eunos, and then there were 5.

right after the train left Eunos we saw the beetle/bug again, after Nad had spotted it from miles away. so it flew on some of the passengers while we added the much needed sound effects. when it hovered nearer to us (you can tell because the strength of Nad's screams are proportionate to the beetle/bug's proximity to us) I really, really thought it would never land on my own head.

but it did.

so I did what any regular person would do- I head-banged. with my hair flying in all directions and my fingers lightly beating the top of my head. I couldn't really see much amidst all the frenzied hair, but I had a feeling people were either a)laughing b)screaming or c)avoiding me like the plague. I was pretty much doing a) and b). I think my friends were also doing a) and b).

and dammit the insect only managed to get out of my hair about a minute later, I shit you not. by that time we were all too embarrassed to remain in that train, so we exited at Kembangan, laughed for about 7 minutes before our third train came. third train you know? THIRD TRAIN.

so anyway, moral of the story: always mean what you say, don't lie to your friends, karma is real, and don't think something won't happen to you because it can always. happen to you.

Transformers.

2007-07-02T22:57:00.000+08:00

when Transformers first came out in the 1990s, I was shrill, tiny and loved its cartoon series. contrary to my brother's belief, I actually do remember watching the cartoon, because as a child I had excellent memory before everything went downhill the moment I turned 10. I never forgot its theme song, or the fact that my favourite character is Optimus Prime (because I'm such a cliche, also because trucks are just so fucking cool). so when the trailers were released about a month ago, of course I absolutely had to watch the movie, and since it's the year 2007 we can thank God special effects no longer mean plastic toys dangling in front of the camera with a mock background.

yesterday I caught the movie for the first time- and I say first because I'm obviously going to watch it again- and I was beaming from start to finish. I'm sorry for being really biased here, but I really have nothing bad to say about it. what is there to criticise when a movie is as awesome as that? geeky boy turns cool and with the help of his car which, may I add, can transform into a bloody AUTOBOT, he bags the hottest chick in school. geeky boy and hottest chick save the world by destroying a cube, the villains can fly and rollerblade and stomp their way around, the USA army...actually I don't know what they have to do with this but I do know there is a very handsome soldier in the team. throw in some flashy vehicles, beautiful explosions and funny dialogue and you get the perfect nerd porn.

I guess my only criticism would be the propagandic angle of the movie- Michael Bay did direct Pearl Harbor and Armageddon, after all. I thought it was ironic that the Decepticons existed in the form of military vehicles like tanks and choppers, though. then again with something like Transformers, being especially interested in the political agenda of the movie (if it even has one) should be the last thing on my mind. to be honest, on my way home I secretly hoped the taxi I was in would turn into an Autobot too. never a Decepticon, because one should always use her powers for good.

the best part about today.

2007-06-26T23:11:00.000+08:00

the best part about today was us sharing cheng tng like it was the most comfortable thing to do, and you saving me a piece of rock sugar even though I know you like it too.

this one's for you.

celebrating good times.

2007-06-25T22:05:00.000+08:00

I forgot! the school holidays are over for the little people on this tiny island which means HAHAHA and hooray for us grownups. this definitely means tomorrow I can finally shop in peace again. it's not that I hate kids because hate is such a strong word, I just dislike those who aren't mine.

tomorrow I will also like to head down to Boon Keng to have sup kambing with my boyfriend. what can I say? I'm a really cheap date who is easily pleased. all we've done for a year plus is hang out at food courts, restaurants and fast food places gorging our throats away.

all in this together.

2007-06-24T22:32:00.000+08:00

I'm here at my brother's new house with the Brady Bunch. Rizan couldn't make it because he lives at So Far Away a.k.a Sembawang. we had dinner at Bedok Corner, and after a suggestion from my sister (who just came back from Bangkok again, mind you) we take my brother's car to his house, and with their PSP everyone finds a spot on his massive, gorgeous as sin L-shaped couch. let's just say if I ever wanna run away from home, you know where to find me (which defeats the purpose I know, it's just that his house is so fucking nice).

today we had another car-wash session at East Coast Park. I really miss blading so I'm kinda excited about next Sunday with my siblings, real and associated. it's been a beautiful, good and long break. unfortunately July is coming, and with it comes reality and responsiblities. today's reunion with the crazy CS bunch was much-needed- I can't tell you enough how much I love every single one of them.

sigh take a look at my own siblings. these kids are not kids anymore! they're working adults playing with their PSP, when tomorrow is a Monday and they have real jobs to go to. my sister actually offered to buy a PSP for me, and I don't get why she's so enthusiastic! I guess I've never been the sort to play computer games or arcade games- I'm more of the tv-watching-book-reading-blog-blogging-sports-doing sort of person. maybe I'm more in tuned with reality than they are, haha.

I have the Golden Touch.

2007-06-20T14:30:00.000+08:00

apart from the fact that my uterus feels like it's about to fail on me any moment now, today's been a pretty good day. I used to think my fingers will disappoint during the subject allocation for my timetable, but they surprised me by being really quick and efficient so now I have Mondays free, and Fridays will end no later than 11.30 am. my fingers are not fat and slow anymore! anyway I'm taking a writing class this semester and I'm really excited about that. wanted to take another one in a different school but NTU won't allow me since I already took a Lit class last year (totally worth it, by the way). hopefully I'll get the photography class this time because I really, really want it- I mean my backup plans are science modules isn't that the funniest thing you've heard? Fariza taking science modules. HAHAHAHAHHA. but okay let's not laugh too hard in case I have no choice BUT to go for those classes, cos then it wouldn't be so funny anymore. a pox on all the people who strive for an all-rounded education.

folklore.

2007-06-19T12:51:00.001+08:00

sometimes I think I'm starting to spend too much time with my parents, because everything they say is beginning to sound the same. but maybe it's really them. while we were in the car on our way to an aunt's house last Sunday, my dad told me about the time when he couldn't afford shoes, basically lived in a hole with his entire family and had to walk 'a few miles' to school. his story sounded strangely familiar, then I realised my mother said the exact same thing. apparently last time, people were always poor, mee rebus used to cost 10 cents, policemen wore shorts, climbing trees were fun, and school is always far away.

firstly, why can't people just move closer to school? or go to one closer to home? why is it that in every story my parents tell me, they have to input some kind of lesson learnt from suffering and poverty? I believe my dad when he said he was poor because he has pictures to prove it (pretty ironic, since I thought cameras were expensive) but my mother, mind you, my mother lived in a pretty big house with 9-10 of her siblings (I gave up counting years ago) and she had an awesome childhood. is it a parents thing, to make your child feel guilty for being fortunate enough to live in the new millenium, and you know, for having enough sense to go to a nearer school?

(at this point I realise NTU is 1 hr 30 minutes away from my house, but this is only because I have no choice. my point is, I would if I could and it's the thought that counts.)

I wish listening to their stories were simpler and more entertaining. I don't really want to know how small their old houses were compared to ours if I'm gonna have to feel bad about it. I respect the past, I'm curious about it and I love it when my parents share, I really do. it's just that sometimes life with them (especially in the car) feels like a very long History class with very bad Jeritan Sepi moments, and you want to escape but the bloody school bell never rings.

as long as I need to.

2007-06-19T01:36:00.000+08:00

I know I'm an hour or so late, but better now than never (or much later hehe). I'm sorry for being distracted lately- I'm trying and I'm glad you're trying. happy 16th baby, I love you.

one more drink, and then I'll go.

2007-06-17T01:04:00.000+08:00

I hope I'm wrong, but it seems like I've lost a part of my sense of humour. I am seriously starting to worry that my brain may actually be dying and it took my funny bone along (by the way do you know what we actually HAVE a funny bone? I thought it was metaphorical but it's not and isn't science EXCITING?) sometimes when I'm talking to friends I seem to be at a loss for words- usually when this happens I say something funny because I hate dealing with awkward situations but I have nothing embarrassing to blurt out! it's a terrible feeling and when I'm desperate I just give a hearty, shrieky laugh to distract people from the fact that I am actually stupid.

anyway, because I don't really know if this entry even has a point, an hour ago I was reading my best friend's blog and I cracked up at the things we used to say and do. so bin bodoh! I seem to be everywhere and she describes me exactly the way I am in person- oddly funny, the sort of sidekick you would expect to make a remark on everything in really memorable ways, if I do say so myself. I mean sometimes I genuinely think I'm hilarious, but then again so is she, that nora woman.

tomorrow (or today, later in the afternoon) I'm going to pay my brother a visit at his newly-decorated house. my God I have no idea how much he spent on the interior, but I guess quite a deal since he has bathroom tiles like the ones at Vivocity and David Gan's freaking lamp (my mother was looking at the things he bought and exclaimed EH NI DAVID GAN PUNYA LAMPU! because apparently he owns one exactly like that. true story you know). I'm kinda excited, although I know when I have my own home I am never going to let anyone else give me tips on interior decorating, since I don't want anything to match in my house. it's interesting that they say your home says alot about you.

she says, this doesn't hurt.

2007-06-13T23:56:00.000+08:00

I spent the whole of yesterday with my mother. we went to SGH for the day operation, but the doctors said it wasn't necessary anymore. I couldn't be more thankful. while waiting to be shipped off from room to room, I had a really good talk with her. for those of you who don't know me, my relationship with my mother is, well, odd. it's always been that way. we are different yet somehow strangely similar, and I can say that among her three children, I am probably the one she doesn't understand the most.

I really don't ask for much from anyone. I think certain things are unnecessary, and others worth fighting for. I care about my future, and the only thing I worry about is not having the people I love to spend those days with me. I love my mother, and yesterday I even liked her. I like and love her as a person, not by default or out of fear or guilt, which is something we all seek, isn't it? for an aging woman she is incredibly brilliant and sharp, and despite her conservative upbringing she's been able to impart some really good modern values to me.

I suppose the hours I spent with her made me realise how little time we have left. I wonder where the hell had I been all this while, when she was going through every stage of her life, the way she'd been for mine. yesterday I finally asked about her job and why she decided to quit in the end- turns out it was because she had to choose between money and children, and she picked us, no matter what.

while I listened to my mother, with every sign of aging showing on her face and in her breath, I couldn't help but admit I doubt I will ever be that selfless. I wonder if I have what it takes to be half as good as she is as a woman, and it upsets me that for now, I'm uncertain. it seems like I'm still fighting with my choices, struggling with reluctance and doubt, even allowing other people to make decisions for me. whenever I feel inadequate it's not because others have belittled me, it's because I honestly think I'm just not cut out for it.

and I wish this wasn't true.

not going home without you.

2007-06-09T23:17:00.001+08:00

well Shasha's now in Malacca having the time of his life. at least, I should think so, though I doubt there's alot of fun at Malacca. the rest are here at home playing with their PSPs, swearing and screaming occasionally, being the good role models they've always been for me. so much positivity in this house. tomorrow it's my sister's turn to leave, this time for KL. everybody's growing up so fast, while I'm still stuck in school with three more years left- it feels like I'm doing time. in other news, our results were released a few days ago and it's all still good, it's all still good. =]

after being everywhere else

2007-06-05T12:40:00.001+08:00

hello. I'm still alive. just dying inside because my brains haven't been used since, well, forever and if you were to ask me a question I might take sometime to reply because I have also gotten really slow. but anyway?

big family dinner at Sakura International Buffet on Vesak Day last week. I love meeting up with family, always. anyway dinner was good. didn't help that there were two whole floors of food waiting, really. before that the Sombreros and I watched Shrek 3 and it was so good! I'm actually going to buy Gingy from McD's later because I saw some girls playing with the toy on the train a few days ago and decided I wanted one too. envy is a good marketing tool, and it's not just used on kids, kids.

Manifestasi on Friday night with the usuals. I guess this is what happens when friends date friends of friends' other halves. or something like that? haha the arrangement is very convenient anyway. Manifestasi didn't disappoint, although one part sort of did but I don't want to say much because I know the kind of effort students put in for the production every year, and you don't really want to criticise. especially if you never contributed to the Malay Society back in JC and instead spent alot of time playing sports and getting awfully butchy. oh seriously where was I?

oh yes. Manifestasi was good. =]

on Sunday a bunch of us made our way to Shasha's family bbq. I didn't want to go to be honest because a big group of strangers always overwhelm and frighten me. but the rest wanted to come along so we all did together. I realise my Shasha is so yum especially when he's around family because he mingles with everyone and the kids love him and he's such an awesome cook. =D

okay I have a whole new week ahead of me and I'm just going to take it day by day. tomorrow I'm meeting up with my girls and please someone remind me to ask WHAT aloha meant by don't 'bubble' her since she is weird and says the funniest things.

too tough to die.

2007-05-30T01:11:00.000+08:00

I just remembered something interesting that happened a few days ago. I was at Forever21 shopping my ass off with GLEE because Rizan wasn't breathing down my neck picking out the ugliest/skankiest clothes in the world for me to try on since he was sitting down quietly near the mannequins with his PSP like a good boy. oh what was my point again? right. I was shopping. alone, with no handbag because it was with him and the mannequins. browsing through clothes like I had all the time in the world and it felt really good- you girls should try it. so anyway after grabbing 3-4 tops to try on, I was making my way to the changing room when my father called me, cheerfully asking where I was because it was already 7.18 p.m and I was at Vivocity when I should've been at Bugis at 7 for dinner with my family. somehow the fact that I was on the phone with my father at Forever21 did not occur to me, because I shouted SHIIITT and ran all the way to Rizan who seriously didn't notice his crazy girlfriend because he was too caught up with his handheld game. seriously, that PSP is so lame but I will definitely touch on that another time.

it's strange because I completely forgot about it in the haven that is F21, and I have never been late for dinner with my family before. so this is what shopping can do to a girl. I'm embarrassed to admit that I've been sucked into the Great Singapore Sale Twilight Zone just like everybody else, and the only excuse I have right now is that I am an empty being and I need to fill it up with lots of kickass clothes. see? I could've been cheesy and say things like I've worked hard all year and I deserve this, but I didn't. I stepped up and told THE TRUTH.

so anyway I reluctantly let go of the clothes I'd picked out (was already prepared to buy them regardless whether they fitted or not) and rushed to the taxi stand with my boyfriend, who insisted he hadn't lost track of time because he was playing his game, it was merely that he thought dinner was at 7.30. classic. anyway by the time we reached Bugis it was 7.40 and everyone was almost done with their food. amazingly no one was pissed with me eventhough I told them I was late because I was shopping teehee. what can I say? I love my Brady Bunch. =]

hahaha we are reluctantly smiling for my brother. his photography phase hasn't ended yet.

okay you know you're still my best shopping buddy Shasha! (what? my nostrils flare when I'm happy)

when we could get away with it.

2007-05-28T22:00:00.000+08:00

I have reached a point where I am running out of things to write, and so I resort to recycling my old entries to entertain my readers (that means all three of you). I've been reading my old livejournal the past few days and my absolute favourite has GOT TO BE this one, and I thought I'd just share it with everyone.

May 2003

"during malay class today alena gave us a peribahasa quiz. she'd give the meaning and a word from the peribahasa, and we'd have to write down what it is.

from Izzati's worksheet:

- API merebak, dapur terbakar (seperti API dalam serkam)
- air PASANG pun ada surutnya (air pun ada PASANG surutnya)
- seperti ayam melepas di TANGAN (ayam terlepas, TANGAN terbau tahi)
- muka masuk dalam air CETEK, akhirnya mati lemas (dalam menyelam, CETEK bertimba)
- makan DAUN, kunyah seperti GETAH (DAUN dapat dilayangkan, GETAH jatuh ke perda juga)
- jangan TERAS-a (meski tertimbun dalam tanah, namun TERAS timbul juga)
- burung atas pohon akan BERSARANG walaupun tidak ada telur (kalau tidak ada berada, takkan tempuna BERSARANG rendah)

.....and from mine. I can't possibly embarrass my friend only rite...

- bagai UNTA dicocok hidung (bagai UNTA menyerah diri)
- kejar ayam, TANGAN terbau tahi (ayam terlepas, TANGAN terbau tahi)

heheh...hoho....hahahahha......I can't stop laughiinggg

*breaks into peals of lufter*"

to be honest I think the funniest people are also the smartest, and Izzati is one of the brightest girls I know. her peribahasas were a LEGEND to me. I'm kinda sorry we're not as close as before, but I hope she's doing well wherever she is.

well anyway. the things we did back in TKGS will always be fondly remembered. =] here's to the absofuckingly good old days.

where else would I be today without my yesterday?

2007-05-25T01:29:00.001+08:00

it's probably too late which makes me even sadder, but I miss my teenage self. because my teenage self hurt too much too often, and she moved along anyway because reality was all she needed. and friends, of course- good friends. my best friends were the ones who stayed with me throughout all my years...the good, bad, bitchy and embarrassing ones. I don't think I made a good role model because I was pretty screwed up. but when I was happy I was the happiest I could ever be, and that made everything worthwhile. I was broken one day, fixed the next, up and running after that. the cycle continued, and I know why I gradually became jaded. it was typical to be 16 and jaded, yet I still miss it because it was who I am and I made no excuses for it.

I can never forget conversations with my best friend who stayed by my side through and through, as we tried our best to fit in and stand out, to feel loved and juggle everything thrown at us. we were probably annoying but dammit we were cute and never meant any harm. it's true that we have changed alot, but it's this type of friendship that you hope you can count on all your life. there can never be a lot of these type of people, which makes the ones you already have so much more special.

nora: what would you have done differently?
me: funny
me: nothing at all.

I had the time of my life in TKGS. I had a small, comfortable group of friends. we were awkward and loyal, sometimes struggling, sometimes successful when we tried. boys broke my heart because that's all they could do at that time. promises were frightening, and there was optimism only because we were unsure- never really certain about how far we could go, but willing to hope that we would eventually get there.

but now I'm here. I can't believe I'm here, 4 years later exactly where I wanted to go. I'm looking back at the days when I dreamt, and I miss it so much. am I still youthful? if I am sure and stable instead of hopeful, is it because I have gotten cocky with knowledge and time? age is not just a number, it tells you how far you are from everything else. I suppose at 20 all I know is that I am far away from the best years of my life. yet somehow it's okay, because I am so proud of Fariza at age 13, 14, 15, 16 because she kicked some ass. growing up was probably the one thing I did right, even if I'd done some of it the wrong way.

go or go ahead.

2007-05-22T22:36:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure if anybody knows this, but I am a sitcom junkie. I watch almost every sitcom on TV, then I watch it twice, and if I have time I'll watch it thrice, and say the lines as the show goes on. because I am a loser, and I have so much time, with little creativity on how to spend it all. so when my brother told me about alluc.org and how I can find almost all my tv shows there and watch it without having to download, guess what I've been doing since February 2007?

4 months later, and this is what I've accomplished: I have watched ALL the available FRIENDS episodes (that is from Season 1 to 7, with 25 episodes per season) at least TWICE, some of Sex and The City, and all of Grey's Anatomy Season 3 which are technically not sitcoms but shut up, and ALL of the episodes of How I Met Your Mother, aka HIMYM (this show is excellent by the way, but I will get to that later on). strangely I am not the least bit interested in Prison Break, Heroes or Desperate Housewives because they're not very funny. or have good-looking doctors.

so now I don't have much to do accept meet up with the regular real-life people or hang around my room with intentions of cleaning it. surprisingly I am not fat. anyway now that I am done with alluc.org until it can churn out new episodes of the above-mentioned shows, it seems to be time for me to get a job. in fact I am so serious about getting a job that I actually told my sister no, I cannot go to KL with you for the whole of June just because your boss is cool enough to send you there to work.

so this HIMYM- how excellent is it REALLY? excellent enough for me to endorse it right here on my blog, which is always a big deal. without sounding so much like a snotty reviewer I can tell you that the sitcom is cleverly written and I have never seen a show that has paid attention to detail this much. it just makes you want to watch every second of it in case you miss something important. now I know the title is really brainless and blah but big picture please! just trust me on this one. so now you go to alluc.org, search for HIMYM and watch just the first episode. see what happens next =D

nothing good happens after 12 a.m.

2007-05-21T00:37:00.000+08:00

I realise my better days have been mainly because of family, friends, or the cats downstairs. I love how my life is right here and now, and I know I should be worried about a job and all but it's so hard to move away from really Good Times and the people who make it worthwhile. I told myself I'll only get anxious when it's June, but it's not June yet so guess what I've been doing the past few weeks.

oh and I finally made a trip to the new IKEA with my family a few weekends ago. Rizan and Amri did a Goldilocks and tried on almost all the sofas and beds and it got so interesting I joined in too. and giggled my way through. we might want to live together in the future, all four of us. then I realised after discussing with Rizan (and deciding that Amri was actually serious about this arrangement) that it would turn out weird because of obvious reasons eventually. not to mention all the cats I'll have and how difficult it'll be for them to accomodate to the environment (the cats I mean. the people I don't care so much hoho).

anyway I've sorta decided. that if/when I'm not married by the time I'm 35 I'll gladly become The Woman Who Lives Alone And Has 15 Cats. because by then I should've realised I'm not cut out for human relationships so the next best thing is to live with animals because they make you feel like queen. to be honest I already see traces of my future in my present, because almost every night I am downstairs or at the park playing with the stray cats like they were my own neighbourhood kakis. should anyone be alarmed?

with everything left to do

2007-05-20T23:36:00.000+08:00

I know I've been away for a long time (according to my standards), but don't worry it's for a good cause. I had a superbly fun picnic with my old SRJC classmates some Saturday ago and the thing I've always loved about them is how easy-going everyone is. I think the last time we met was earlier this year and of course it wasn't enough, so we arranged for another reunion. since I think I've lost my writing mojo to the long holidays, I'll just put up some pictures hoping you'll get the point I'm trying to make (e.g we had a fucking good time).

at first there were five, and then Oscar had to leave (look how we've grown!)

then it became four. and we got creative.

THESPIDERWEBBBBBB!!!!!! hello who here has lived in the East all your life and never wanted to climb that thing as a child?

THECIRCLECIRCLETHING!!!!!!!

after lots of pictures and a really good day later =]

taken in 2004. okay I guess the conclusion is we havent really grown up after all =D

anyway Thursday was Rizan's 22nd birthday and I had a blast planning surprise after surprise for him. I'm kinda sorry I took so long to write about this because I think he was thrilled and it was really a joy making him that happy. call me crazy and shoot me, sorry, but I really love this guy.

so the plan was pretty elaborate and all I had to do was throw him off course and take him all over Singapore first before bringing him to the real thing. we went to the Science Centre (hehe!) and ooh-ed and aah-ed at the exhibitions. truthfully I don't think I learned that much because I am very determined to not use my brain well this summer but we had fun, we really did. =]

OMNIMAXTHEATRE! where we watched some movie about dinosaurs. I learned that if it doesn't look like a brontosaurus, it'll probably look like T-Rex. it's always one or the other. either that or the dinosaur can fly and resembles a bird, but apparently isn't.

he took a picture of me, I took a picture of him. it was pretty much that way the whole time, haha.

one of the cooler things we did. we also took our blood pressure, and learned ALLLL about nanotechnology.

so after all that wondrous educational trip I took my boyfriend on another ride before ending up at Fish & Co Glasshouse. I'd made reservations earlier on but what he didn't know was that I had more surprises for him.

friends!

okay mine and his

Rizan opening his presents really cutely. what a precious moment.

the whole bunch. it was a fantastic dinner with the best company, and after that we played bowling at Marina Square where I totally ruled the alley. =]

I know this came in late, but Happy Birthday baby and I'm glad you have wonderful people around to spend it with you (myself included of course). you are good, just like this, and we wouldn't want or need you to change for the world. hope it just gets better and better.

INCIDENTALLY, the day after his birthday was also our 15th month, so I thought I'd just pile this on top of everything else. happy 15th too, I love you THISMUCHH.

the day is blue, you're 22!

2007-05-17T00:32:00.000+08:00

happy birthday baby.
you're older, so may you be happier, and maybe even wiser. =D

will love you either way.

while everybody else is flirting to their own place

2007-05-14T23:45:00.000+08:00

for a moment I actually forgot about this space. and for me it means I have a life outside the blogging sphere which is just whoopideedoo. over the weekends I had a nice time with family- watched Jangan Pandang Belakang on Saturday with the Usuals and HAHAHAHAHA I admit I freaked out at some parts, but so did the rest *coughrizanandmysistercough* Ama was right- the Bapak Kau incident was just fucking funny and I'm not sure if the scriptwriters did that on purpose or they really thought it'd make for a good memorable quote for the future. but anyway I still think Indonesian and Japanese horror films are more effectively terrifying.

on Sunday the whole house woke up early to go blading at East Coast Park. we didn't do much blading but instead wobbled to and fro here and there. I fell this one time while laughing hysterically, and what made it most embarrassing was that everyone else was ahead of me. and you know how it's like, falling on your own- you make some kind of nervous laughter, grin at strangers and quickly catch up with the rest. the fall hurt, in more ways than one.

of course, my ever-ready father caught it on tape.

today I didn't do much, just lazed around at home and had dinner with Rizan after work. tomorrow I'm meeting up with the old SRJCians and we actually had an extremely interesting conversation just now on MSN. let's just say Oscar, wherever he is, is in for a Very Good Time with us girls. Wednesday is shopping with the besties (I hate that word but sometimes it's just necessary), Thursday is Rizan's birthday hooray! Friday will be hmm a waste of makeup, Saturday is FOOD DAY at either Seoul Garden or Sakura International Buffet, and Sunday I will play badminton with the Buttalks, hehe.

what can I say? my life is not too shabby at all. =] PLUS! I found this very useful website yesterday with a whole list of Grey's Anatomy soundtracks and I have downloaded almost everything so I am all ready for summer.

because I am twenty years old, and I am at home.

2007-05-11T23:26:00.000+08:00

I need inspiration. I need to be able to sit here and allow really interesting and valid words to flow so I can calm myself down and say okay I haven't lost it after all. because right now I am insipid, uninspired, and am sorry enough to regard being able to write a decent confirmation of my existence. it's not that I'm tired or jaded- God knows I've passed that stage of teenage bitterness over people who Just Aren't Worth It long ago. I think it has alot to do with all this idling of late. do I need a job? or do I just want it because boredom will kill what's left of me. I think I just want a purpose, something so much more than being a daughter, and a friend.

look at it this way- it's a Friday night, I am twenty years old and I am at home. no it's not really a big deal, but it's worth asking myself why. why the hell am I here and not out there, and if I were someplace else I wonder if I'll feel just as safe. I don't care about being in the In crowd, because I sure as hell don't need it. it's just that I used to think I wanted structure in my life, and now that I think I'm halfway there I seem to want less of it.

you see the older I become, the more I realise you can't have it all, and that you don't really need that much anyway. when I was growing up I wanted so badly to fit in and be like everybody else- get a good education, quickly find a nice boy who loves his mother so that when you're 25 you can marry him because by 30 you should have 2 of his kids. but now that I'm here it seems perfectly fine to deviate from the norm and quit judging yourself just because everyone else is. I thought I was conventional but I'm more bold than I thought. a fence sitter on the thin line that separates confidence and recklessness, maybe.

what worries me that this is just the talk of a hopeful 20 year old who still thinks the future is bright and exciting. one of my biggest fears is turning 25 and befitting the image of a desperate housewife, in all sense of the word- a married woman who realises there is no time left for all of the dreams she was almost certain would come true. I seem to be the only one who can't wait to grow older, and I have a strange feeling I'll be the only one feeling unsatisfied, as if I didn't know adulthood would be so disappointing.

told you once, told you twice.

2007-05-11T13:28:00.000+08:00

I guess I hate being anyone's backup plan. I'm pretty sure I've done it once, and I have gotten a taste of my own medicine. I get it now. I think we're all worth more than this. the difference is, you sometimes forget, whereas I always remember.

growing up, moving on.

2007-05-10T23:50:00.000+08:00

I forgot to mention that I moved out of Jurong Island last weekend. it didn't take me long but I had an awful lot of things to bring home, and I still haven't done any unpacking. I am a slob in my own house, but back on Jurong Island I am, well, better.

I miss Jurong Island. NTU has grown on me reasonably well. I love having my own space there, knowing the campus grounds and the people I walk past. I think I'm more attached to it than my own JC, but that's not saying much considering I had a pretty bad time at TPJC. NTU is different- maybe it's because of the people, or maybe it's all that freedom I get. I think it also has something to do with being so far away. Tampines is becoming too familiar and cramped, and maybe it's time to move out for good, so when I come back someday for a reunion I can do a Madonna and say this used to be my playground, this used to be my childhood dream.

okay, yawn.

2007-05-08T23:14:00.000+08:00

I am never good with having nothing to do. today the only most interesting thing I did was hang out at Starbucks with Aloha, and even that lasted for two hours because of my stupid, non-negotiable curfew. yes I still have one, and yes I remember I am already twenty, but I respect my mother too much to even try to do anything about it. better luck next year, maybe.

tomorrow is lunch with Ah Hui, dinner with Rizan, and God knows what in between. I seriously need a job, a project, a task. maybe painting my room should be done earlier than I thought. I was thinking of deep gorgeous purple walls with sunny bright yellow curtains and red furniture- wadyu think? I want colours to clash and I want them loud and everywhere. like a rainbow vomitted in my room or something.

it's time we spoke up too.

2007-05-06T12:22:00.000+08:00

past few days have been fantastic, fulfilling. the sort you hope will distract you from real responsibilities. I was away at camp from Thursday to Saturday, and it was the perfect time to be with good uni friends you think will mean a whole lot more to you as the years go on. played games at night in my room, all six of us. what's been said in that room, stays in that room so I'm not really going to elaborate much. I am actually supposed to join Facebook soon, apparently (something of an elitist Friendster I heard) and that is when I will put up really incriminating pictures of Torek because she has too many nice ones of herself on the Internet. plus my reputation as a very cool person in school is very much at stake.

the camp itself was fantastic. I know it's very juvenile but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. at first my group wanted to take it easy, but then we still won and so I thought oh what the hell might as well make this worthwhile and try everything out. I love how cosy and small SCI is, I love how the people are different and have interesting personalities and know so much, be so smart yet stay so unique and fucking funny. Fright Night scared the hell out of me, which is extremely ironic because I volunteered to be one of the ghosts. so there I was in the dark in one of the tutorial rooms, with the only things I hate the most- fire (candles), a puppet and a doll SITTING ON MY LAP, because my character was a woman whose baby had died and I was to sing to it. I have no idea why I didn't cry.

favs

yesterday evening right after our Amazing Race I rushed back home to get ready for a play. went to watch A Midsummer Night's Dream at Fort Canning and had one of the best nights. I really believe in the picnic culture, and I wish Singaporeans took more time to just sit in the part with family and friends, bring food and good wine or whatever they fancy and just let time roll by slowly. it is one of the easiest things to enjoy why is why I am always wondering why our neatly trimmed fields are always empty. is there really no time for...time in this country?

we were surrounded by the stage and friendly people

ilu, no matter what

after the play as usual had Amri and my sister pick us up and we had supper at East Coast Park. my weekends are always comforting and simple, and I am not complaining. but I wonder if I can ever make space for something more in my life, and whether my relationships with people are enough. should I be reaching out for more from them, or is it time to sit back and take things less seriously and not put in too much hope in each other? it is the boundaries that I worry about the most- I am not good at gauging at all.

but what am I saying? we're young, we're good and we're happy. at least, I am. my Sunday will not be wasted on my musings and my useless worrying, because things have been okay, and I am coping. coping I can handle, and though I am terrible at estimating and don't know if I need more or less of some things, coping is...enough. there is no need to seek for anything else.

the world's not waiting

2007-05-03T10:39:00.000+08:00

I have slightly more than 12 weeks to go. at the rate I'm going, I might just die before the next academic year comes. August is so far away! AND I'M GLAD, I really am. I'm just saying it's far ahead, I didn't say anything about wanting Time to move quicker so God if you're reading this, take note.

it's raining and camp is tomorrow. I can't wait to be shipped off to Sentosa, but a part of me just wants to stay indoors where I'll finally get to look pale and pasty white (ultimate goal, this one). my shoulders are still red and kinda peeling from blading a few days ago. I think I am very lame- there wasn't alot of sun that day plus ECP is very shady, but I still managed to get burned. nonetheless I don't really want to end up like one of those girls who screech at the slightest bit of sunlight. now they are just effing weird.

I need to go somewhere. back at Ubin, or East Coast Park, the softball field, or the squash court. what the hell have I been doing the past few months? I think my sedentary lifestyle has made me very lazy. at NTU I take the shuttle bus wherever I go, and that means waiting 7 minutes for one just to get to Canteen A when walking would take me only 5. yes, I shit you not. plus all the good cakes and apple crumble have gone to my African American Ass, which lowers my center of gravity so I just feel like wanting to SIT all the time.

that thing.

2007-04-30T22:37:00.000+08:00

a few days ago my sister asked me if I had anything in common with Rizan. I sat there in front of my fried chicken for a rather long time and thought about it. and you know when you have to think long and hard about something, it means maybe there really isn't anything to think about.

so when Rizan came back from the toilet I asked him the same question, and he frowned for the longest time, that poor boy. I think he thought I wanted him to rattle off an entire list of things we share, but he couldn't come up with anything either. but finally I said OH FOOD!! FOOOODDD!!! in the middle of lunch to no one in particular, and realised that the past 14 months, the only thing Rizan and I agree completely on is what we eat and where to eat it. because over dinner with my family that Saturday night, my sister was observing us and decided I WAS right- Rizan and I weren't really doing much but eating and making happy faces.

this is why I always whisper.

2007-04-30T22:14:00.000+08:00

DAY 3.

it's day 3 and the only exciting things I've done were with my sister and her boyfriend. you know what that means? that means I am about as interesting as a doorknob, also that I am starting to spend waaayyy too much time with The Couple Who Just Won't Get Married (seriously it's been, like, forever). on Saturday the four of us had lunch at Arnold's, shopped around Bugis Street, walked to Tambuah Mas off Orchard Road with my brother and Tricia trailing behind us the entire time without us knowing (that was hilarious, by the way. they really were just following us and we had no idea). had dinner with the whole family, where we tried to get Rizan to stuff his finger up his nose because from the looks of it, he wouldn't be able to.

but he could, amazing!

then on Sunday we met them again and bladed around East Coast Park. I swear it feels so good to be able to do that after such a long time. I love blading. if I could and I will, I'd buy a pair of blades and head down to ECP every weekend on my own. because I'm a weekend person. on weekdays I'm not a lot of fun, but I really savour every minute of my weekend. anyway then we had a really good lunch where I realised I absolutely must have jalapeno peppers in all of my sandwiches, played Taboo and took a cab to Suntec City where we watched Fracture which turned out to be a superb movie.

see it's true when I said I've been spending my hols with my sister and Amri.

I really should get a job. today I took a nap from 8 to 10pm because I can.

this is what happens when you plan.

2007-04-28T10:29:00.000+08:00

when things don't usually go your way, that's alright, that's okay because we're having a family dinner tonight! I always look forward to those. I'm thinking I'm starting to love having a big family and I like the look on people's faces when they see the eight of us walking together because they tend to think us six are siblings (since we don't hold hands in front of my parents hahaha).

note to self: NEXT WEEK is the play, NOT THIS WEEK. I got excited for nothing. how lame is that?

anyway, in other news, my sister is moving out of our room soon! I'm not sure when, but probably sometime during the holidays. I've already decided on the layout of my room and the type of furniture I'm goint to use. I wish my family were the sort to use blinds instead of curtains so my mother wouldn't have to hang tacky ones in my room, but apparently we're big on bright bold colours in this house so okay what the hell. love is love and it's unconditional and colour-blind.

so last night I was browsing through the classified ads and I realised how much I dislike looking for jobs. I mean I'm only 20 and I shouldn't have to take this so seriously therefore this time, I'm going to take my time and pick the correct one that will suit my lifestyle, and not the other way round. same with shopping. this time last year I had already spent almost all of my shopping money and didn't wait for the Great Singapore Sale. in June 2006, I came across a skirt I'd bought just two months before, and found out it was being sold at almost half the price. similar incidences happened along the way. this it what happens when you don't WAIT.

learned a lesson? check.

which means! today when I'm walking around Bugis I will tie my wallet up and put it in Rizan's underwear where it will be out of reach (and uncomfortable for him hahaha). the anti-shopping movement starts now.I need all your support and kind donations. ahem.

let's call the whole thing off.

2007-04-25T15:40:00.000+08:00

I am bored out of my mind. so far today I've taken my Freedom Bath, and a Freedom Nap. now I'm Freedom Writing. this is all very luxurious and I appreciate the time that I have, yes thank you God, but seriously I'd like for my life to move a little bit faster than this. I realise I can never stay in one place for long. it could be literal, or metaphorical, but constancy makes me tired and restless. I need to do something! anything! so I made a list, and I've decided that by the end of today, I should have already:

- thrown away all the notes in my room
- sent my thank-you emails to the respective record companies, Borders and Picturehouse for the reviews
- sent out my resume to various companies in the hope that they will hire a last-minute applicant
- changed my blog layout. or played around with Photoshop and come up with a new one myself
- watched Grey's Anatomy Ep ONE. (because I have waited for 5 hours for it to load and I'm still waiting. it's either I'm stupid or I'm really determined.)(I like to think I'm determined.)

will think of more as I go along. the holidays are starting to suck.

oh oh!!! but on a brighter note, this weekend I'm going to watch A Midsummer Night's Dream at Fort Canning, and go blading on Sunday morning with the sombreros. =D

good things are hard to find.

2007-04-23T23:23:00.000+08:00

I have a very good feeling about the next few months. so okay, I haven't really gone searching for a job yet. my exams will end tomorrow, and I'm moving out of my hall next week. a year has passed, and I worked so hard to get here. so I think I'll have a good time the next three months, whether or not I plan them well. it's time to live, just live, with my own friends in my own place where nobody can say I'm not balancing my life well enough, and tell me to spend lesser time with this person or that person and that I should be behaving more responsibly instead. I think I did well this school year and I am just going to take this long break and spoil myself madly.

I haven't gone shopping in a month, I haven't even window-shopped in more than that. lately the only thing I do during the weekends is study with my boyfriend, and have supper with my family. on weekdays it's either meetings, presentations, brief lunches and dinners with friends and editing the school paper. I am fucking excited about my school holidays, though I'm trying to not build it up so much lest I get really disappointed in the end and get stuck at home for forever playing around with Photoshop like I did the last time (seriously. I am lame). oh but I am definitely looking forward to the two camps, and JB trips, shopping trips, sleepovers, blading, cycling at Ubin, and stuffing myself at Simpang. hehe! I can feel myself beaming already.

when things are too simple.

2007-04-22T00:48:00.001+08:00

this boy.

he loves me.

we're so high, high above you.

2007-04-19T22:22:00.000+08:00

feels good to know the weekend's approaching, and that we survived the past few days. 3 down, 3 more papers to go. tomorrow's paper is practically not an exam, but I shouldn't be saying it with glee.

oh what the hell. TOMORROW'S PAPER IS PRACTICALLY NOT AN EXAM HEEHEE.

and then Saturday will come and before you know it I am out with the Sombreros eating fried chicken in the most barbaric way. next week will come sooner or later, but I'm just going to worry about that later, never sooner.

so how busy have I been exactly? busy enough to forget to eat my medicine sometimes, busy enough to forget that yesterday was our 14th month. which is okay cos Rizan forgot about it too hahaha. just now I had a precious few hours with the girls and we had a nice lunch together after what feels like a very long time. year 1 is ending soon but I think I'll still remain the clueless freshman who runs around school half the time not knowing why.

for what it's worth.

2007-04-16T00:14:00.000+08:00

I'm sitting here eating cheap chocolate fingers from Mustafa Centre. it's now 12.14 a.m, and my sister just got back from work. that's right- work. we're in the living room typing furiously looking shit tired like we could die. sometimes she asks me if it's ever going to be worth it, this working-too-hard-getting-money-but-still-somehow-not-happy lifestyle, and honestly I wonder too. in four years I'll be working with the media industry just like her, so will I be coming home late at night every night, working on Sundays at the expense of other things that used to make life so much simpler? and happier?

I always say, as long as I'm happy. I'm quite happy now, maybe even contented. but I'm terrified of growing up and maybe getting jaded of something I honestly love to do. but I don't want my life to be defined by a job, I don't want my own self to be defined by the things people expect me to do because of that job. do you even get to draw a line when you're an adult? are we expected to take it all in, the good and bad and separate those at our own time, while maintaining balance in every single thing we do? how do we get to know its worth? you'd think getting a dream job would make you happy. and then Reality comes by and kicks you in the crotch and gives you a Super Wedgie.

sometimes I get so sick of studying because I think the man I am to marry is probably going to make me quit my job at 26 anyway. then I hate myself for thinking that way because I shouldn't have been so stupid to marry Hypothetical Husband in the first place. is it too early for me to worry about the price of happiness? get your dream job, 20 points. come home late because of your dream job, minus 5 points. come home late for a whole week because of your dream job and miss your mother's birthday, minus 50 points. before you know it a whole year has passed, and you wonder what you were so happy about in the first place.

damn all you civil servants who work 9 to 5.

band aid covers the bullet hole.

2007-04-15T16:19:00.000+08:00

I have a feeling

Yeah?

Yeah.

And?

If you wait long enough it passes.

You promise?

I promise.

something old, something new. something borrowed, something boo-hoo-hoo.

2007-04-13T22:52:00.000+08:00

today at about 8p.m Singapore time I realised my brother will be getting married in less than three months. so in front of Rizan I sat in despair and agonised over the possibility of never seeing him anymore for the rest of my life. he reminds me that I just said a few weeks ago I was pleased about getting a new room once he moves out and that he will only be living a train station away and so I can still see him during the weekends, but that was unnecessary and why do people always have to remember tiny details like that? I am mourning over the future loss of a great big brother whom I love completely and I absolutely am not ready for the wedding. I just can't, okay? I adore Tricia and she is cool as hell but this is huge and I'm getting cold feet! as ice queen as I can be there is a major possibility that you will find me bawling my eyes out this July at the back of the hall because my big brother just got more grown up. either that or I realise my clothes do not match the decor and I stick out like a sore thumb. I am not cut out for weddings, mine or others.

we will feel better now.

2007-04-13T10:33:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I forgot to write about this. a few days ago I went back to TPJC to watch the team's first A Div softball game against RJC. the score, as always, doesn't matter (because erm haha) but I swear I miss coach so much. he remembers me! but thought I was the new teacher-in-charge at first because I was carrying my laptop. basket. he still drinks Coke and clears his throat in the most annoying way, and when someone screws up he still says 'Wah I pray to all your gods la okay I go mosque I go church I go temple la please'- I swear that man hasn't changed one bit.

I didn't realise I'd miss TP this much. do you know they're going to freaking change the field to AN ARTIFICIAL ONE. as in, rubber, synthetic grass, plastic floors that sort of thing? as in, a fake field? HAS ANYBODY HEARD OF A FAKE SOCCER FIELD BEFORE. the idea is just...bizarre. it's just asking for a what the fuck from me. I heard people around me complaining about it the day I was there. oh and now we have more tables and chairs around the school. obviously not for studying, but for the kids to just lepak. leepaaakk. TPJC is a school where you lepak. sometimes I wonder how I ever managed to pull through and make it to SCI.

so anyway I had a good time with the ex-players that day. Huan Geng is still one of my favourite softball buddies and I know he's reading this so hello HG please make time for me after my exams, okay? maybe we can relive our JC days where I had no problems staying in the sun the whole day just to train, run and burn myself with the rest of the team. I could put up a picture of us when we were in Year 1 just to show you how dark I was, but my shamelessness has its limits.

can't get it back now.

2007-04-10T15:33:00.001+08:00

You watch me spin around
In the highest heels
You are the best one
Of the best ones
We all look like we feel

You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart.

remembering what Sarah said

2007-04-09T22:47:00.000+08:00

so the exams are next week, and I'm not shaken. which is of course, alarming, because I am a natural at freaking out at the last minute. maybe I'm speaking too soon? oh I'm probably speaking too soon.

you know what I realise I like? waiting. I like waiting very much, if after waiting you get exactly what you want. I wouldn't mind waiting the whole day for phonecalls from an old friend, receiving a yes at the end of the week if what I want to hear is a yes, exactly. I guess if I want something bad enough I'd wait for it. just wait.

anyway, the stalker aka Mr Creepy Man Who Never Changes His Clothes And Hence Can Be Easily Identified strikes again. he was last seen at Hall 15 and some girls have already reported the incident. so if you're in NTU and you've come across a tall Malay man of about 23, wearing a blue polo tee, carrying a slingbag and a textbook and WANTS TO KNOW YOUR NAME OR KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE, please inform authorities, your friend or your mother. it's always better to be safe than sorry, low crime doesn't mean no crime, together we can prevent crime...you get the picture.

on a lighter note, plesae visit here

http://lustfactory.livejournal.com/

for fun!

but I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby (like you.)

2007-04-07T12:54:00.000+08:00

how come...amidst all this maturity, independence and experience there are still insecurities? is it a yes or a no, to tell or not to tell, to be here or there- why can't we ever decide for sure? I used to think I was decisive and knew enough to do what I really want. Life gave me lemons and I made fantastic lemonade sort of thing. but now I think I bit more than I can ever chew, and I am choking on all the decisions I initially thought were good. who are we willing to fight for, to keep? who do we tell our secrets to, when do we know enough is enough? we can all say we are happy and contented. but then we also think we can be happier. or maybe just as happy, but in a different way.

yes yes, still here.

2007-04-05T10:27:00.000+08:00

you know it's going to be a good day when a weekday feels like the weekend. I have a meeting to attend in 3 hours and all I can think about is my bed and hugging Bu (read: Lembu). but no matter. tomorrow is Simpang day! with the usual girls at the usual yellow table. I have no idea why I look forward to days like these, because all we do is eat, gossip and laugh too loudly. watch soccer matches now and then, get really bored and then go back to eating, gossiping and laughing too loudly. sometimes we meet people we miss and love, sometimes we meet people who wish their knives were slashing our backs. but all is well. I'm just there for the good times.

according to Jinli, holidays are in 3 weeks. she's been counting down eversince the beginning of 2007, which is hilarious but also pretty useful. this isn't just the end of a semester- it's the end of an entire school YEAR. how ever did we manage to survive this course? I'm going to miss the happy CS bunch during the hols, but I think there is always time for bonding during the freshie camp, amidst terrorising our insecure newbies. muaha. haha. HIDUP LOGISTICS!

better when we're together.

2007-04-01T19:32:00.000+08:00

my weekend was...perfect. on Friday morning I gave my parents a call before their flight, then later that night the bunch of us went to Lau Pa Sat for dinner where Taufik Batisah sat at the next table but being us we didn't notice. the satay man had to point him out. I was slightly curious to see his face because his back was facing us, and then our food came and kept me occupied for the rest of the time. I guess celebrities need their space. either that or the people around him just couldn't be bothered anymore.

on Saturday my siblings and I kept ourselves busy trying to find food to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. my cat nearly died of starvation too. I think I roughly know the sort of adult I'll be in the future. I'll pay bills late, wash my dishes only at night (Sunday nights that is, hehe) and never cook. called our parents using 3G technology, where we saw my father driving and passing the phone to my mother, who couldn't maintain eye contact with us because she didn't know where to look. 'ma tengok ape tu!' 'tak tau!'

anyway, on Saturday I had my hair cut too. now I look like Velma from the Scooby Doo cartoon. first it was Willy Wonka, and now this. but maybe I bother about my hair too much. as long as I have it, and I don't need 30 minutes to make it look presentable. hey, I'm not fussy.

today we fetched my parents from the airport. they went to Penang for their 26th wedding anniversary. how can you not love people like that? they looked happy and contented when we met them, and I think any of us would be lucky enough to have half of the marriage they built together.

so now I have to leave the house again for dinner. nobody cooks during the weekends. oh I finally got my N73 today as a belated birthday present from them. love, love, love. here's to a new week, everyone.

the things that get you to believe.

2007-03-28T17:46:00.000+08:00

Mum bought a new dining table last week. it can accomodate up to four people. suddenly the number 4 seems so small. it's always been the 5 of us. either 5, or 6 if Amri is around (as he's always been the last 5 years), 7 with Tricia, and 8 with Rizan. 8 is a nice number. when it's 10 it's even better, but 8...I like 8. I like knowing these people have my back, that we're so close we can do almost anything together. I like it when my brother calls us family. not 'like family,' not 'friends' but family. because that's what we are, isn't it.

I can't wait for the wedding because I know it'll be perfect. those two- they're so right for each other. if or when my time comes, perhaps I'll be just as happy. it's always too early to say, too scary to think about the future. you always want to be absolutely sure.

I hardly ever make promises with Rizan. people think I'm not committed enough or that I don't take us seriously but it doesn't bother me. I don't believe in pipe dreams or planning to have an ideal life together with someone else. I think firstly it's important to know where you're heading towards, and if your partner is moving towards the same direction, then good for you. if not, we'll work our way around it, and if not, it's really just too bad. I like that about us. I like it that we trust each other enough to know we'll be there in the long run, but where, when and how...it doesn't matter to me. I have plans for myself, and I admire him for having plans too. don't you have to be a strong individual first before expecting a strong relationship with someone else?

sometimes people ask me who wears the pants in this relationship, and I tell them I'm not sure. if you ask Rizan he'll say we both do, because he likes giving the textbook answer to score points with me. I think neither of us wears the pants- we're so comfortable and secure with where we stand in the relationship that we'd probably rip the pants up into two, turn them into shorts and wear those instead. I guess control and tolerance are never the right words to use- it's about support and accomodation instead. he eats my vegetables because I hate them, I eat his fried chicken to save his diet. what can I say? the boy loves me; temper, unpredictable madness, startling high-pitched laughter and all.

all my life I've been surrounded by strong and stable relationships. I saw them in my parents, my siblings, my siblings with their other halves. a table for 4, if you think about it, can actually squeeze in 6 or even 8 of us. it's all a matter of whether you want to be there or not, whether you can innovate and accomodate to one another during dinner. it'll be uncomfortable at times, and there may even be less food for everybody, but it's really about the people you're with, as it's always been. maybe right now, that's what love should be all about.

rushofblood and alittlebitofpain

2007-03-27T01:29:00.000+08:00

hello happy birthday to me I am 20! twenty, not twenteen, or twen-eleven or whatever I reached the big fat 2-0 (yeah, like that's such a tragedy) on Sunday and I had such a great birthday weekend oh my God! shall not say much, will say it in pictures instead.

Saturday was nice, because we had dinner at Suntec with my whole big family (all 10 of us, always the 10 of us) where we had pricey fish head curry and briyani. the food was good, the company even better, especially if they can perform tricks like eat fish eye and all. then us kids took our car back while the oldies went to ViVo. we played Taboo til morning where, when the clock struck 12, they stopped and sang me a birthday song. it was cheesy but I loved it because I love my siblings, real and artificial. then we played DOTA where I sulked because I didn't wanna play and I was sleepy so we drove to Sembawang McDonalds and had breakfast at 4am before we sent Rizan home.

Sunday- firstly, thank you so much to everyone who wished me. I wanted to stay at home but Rizan insisted he had the day planned so okay I got dressed we went to ViVo then suddenly at Ben and Jerry's (or Tom and Jerry, if you were my mother), my brother, Tricia, my sister and Amri were there with a card and they said 'surprise it's us again!' which made me grin because they're so silly and good and I love them. we had ice-cream and I got tickets to watch A Midsummer Night's Dream at Fort Canning this May and I CANNOT WAIT I'M SO EXCITED AND PLEASED so I said thank you to Tricia and my brother. then the 6 of us went to Toys R Us and wanted to buy a helicopter toy to race and stuff but we didn't because it could only fly indoors since the wind will blow it away. we discussed about things like that. us, a bunch of 20 year olds (smug grin hehe). at around 6.30 I left with Rizan because he'd booked a cable car dinner for us, just us. =]

this is where I go I love my boyfriend because he's funny and goofy, thoughtful and yumyumyum.

then the sun set...

...and it was effortlessly beautiful.

oh yes this was what we ate. always need to remember what we ate.

the view from the top was gorgeous. I don't think I can say much anymore about it.

so after dinner we called Fairus and Nora to send us back to Tampines because they said they were going to Pasir Ris and it was all very On The Way. so I walked home from the interchange with Rizan who was sneaky and suspicious but I didn't want to presume too much so I just played along. then when we were at my block he said he wanted to come upstairs and get a drink so I said okay. I knew something was up but I didn't know what, and who was going to be home.

so when I reached the door, I took a deep breath, and with my boyfriend behind me I went it. it was pitch black, and all I saw was this.

rows of pink candles lighting up the entire living room. Rizan nudged me to take a few more steps, and when we entered the sitting area, I saw the most beautiful arrangement

then the lights came back on and I saw my family, my two best friends and their significant others. there were small cards on the huge white coffee table, and in the middle of it were the candles above. what else could I have said?

classic reaction.

so I hugged and kissed my mum and the girls who were so incredible to have come up with this. I hate how they're so sneaky every year and that Rizan always has something to do with it. God I love my life, I don't know why sometimes I think it's never enough.

presents!

the loves of my life

and this was how Sunday ended. just like this. =] I turned 20 in the best way I could imagine.

postcards from Heaven

2007-03-22T17:22:00.000+08:00

so right now I am in the library studying with Rizan. we smuggled in 400g of pistachios. we've been here since 2.30, after having lunch with United Colors of Benetton. I call them that (us? oh the associations) because we're a nice mix of almost every race in Singapore. haha. the thought of it cracks me up, and the kids don't know that's their (our?) name. I can't help it if I like giving nicknames to everyone. for example: someone in school is called the Mafia. he makes Statistics not dry, if you know what I mean. maybe we should call him McStats, because I think he is very Grey's Anatomy.

Rizan and I are so comfortable with each other. I just realised it a few days ago because I made him wait for awhile while I took a shit after dinner before studying. I guess I'm the sort who doesn't announce that sort of behaviour to just anyone, but he's almost family, the sort I'd have incestuous relationships with. I love him and I like it that I can tell my friends I love him, because there really is nothing to be embarrassed about. apparently, a frustrated young lady like me can love.

this weekend is my birthday weekend and I'm glad I know what's going to happen then. last year made me shake in my panties. in a good way, but still. =]

in darkness this is all I see

2007-03-21T14:56:00.000+08:00

I miss moments like these. I'm sitting on the corner of my bed because Torek is sleeping on it. Nab is on her bed reading my book. the other two girls don't know we skipped class, hehe. it's raining outside. yesterday all of us came home at 2am because we were doing work. I wasn't scared at all when we walked back because these girls, they give me security. today's a beautiful day.

I like knowing I recognise almost everyone in school. it makes school feel like home when home is too far away. I don't like having lunches in the big canteens or at NIE, because it makes me feel small in such a vast school. but SCI? SCI is small and cozy and wacky at times. I'd rather buy food from our humble vending machine than be at those packed canteens filled with engineering people. it's like we don't fit in, maybe cos we don't want to, or maybe we're just really different.

I'm okay with being different.

tonight I'm having dinner at KFC! with the only boy who will stand by me. okay I might be wrong maybe he's not the only one but I'd pick him over anyone anytime =D